Deadlier than the male
by Sunrise over the Tango Factory
Summary: A seemingly empty derelict brings a little more than extra supplies to Lister’s life. Problem is, it’s just out of his reach and it's teasing him. Complete.
1. The derelict

**Sunrise over the tango factory:** Hey hey guys! I know I've still not finished 'Til it's gone' but I've still not got over my incredibly debilitating bout of writers block. So I decided to write this…hope you like. Feedback adored!  
Peace out!  
P.s Set sometime around series 4...

* * *

The blonde's breathing became increasingly frantic as she tore through the undergrowth, branches scratching her face and arms as she stumbled in semi darkness. 

A blood curdling howl filled the air, she stopped dead in her tracks and shivered as the abrupt silence enclosed her like a cage. Her D-cup cleavage heaved with every breath she took.

Then…

A rustling of leavesforced her heart to make a desperate bid for freedom via her throat before silence once again descended on the pitch-black woods. The forebodingly full moon failed to illuminated the horrors that lurked within the dense foliage.

The blonde's eyes darted left before wheeling round to the right. She heard the snapping of twigs behind her and a putrid stench of hot breath filled the air.

Slowly, she turned round…. her blue eyes widened in horror and her perfectly glossed mouth let out a high pitched scream as the mutant blood sucking werewolf inched closer and closer…

A satisfied smile spread across it's moistened lips before it unhinged its jaw, showing rows of razor-sharp teeth.

The blonde brought her manicured hands up to her mouth as the werewolf launched it forwards, jaws snapping and eyes gleaming at the prospect of dinner.

Just at that moment-

"By god, d'you ever stop watching this rubbish?"

Lister rolled his eyes before grabbing a handful of popcorn. "It's a classic," he protested, half choking on his snack.

Rimmer sneered, "Yes…. by your standards," he glanced at the now paused vid screen on which the blonde was a fraction away from being eaten. "All horror movies are stupid anyway" he sniffed.

"Why?" asked Lister, frowning

"Take her for a example" said Rimmer nodding at the screen "They go out looking for a mutant, blood sucking werewolf, and what does she wear…her tightest top, her shortest skirt and her highest heels…has she never heard of appropiate dress?" he paused "and what about that other guy, the one with the wonky goatee. It was his stupid fault she's on her own anyway"

"Rimmer, he died, that weren't his own fault!" objected Lister,

"It was! He said 'don't worry it's dead' and it wasn't. It's common knowledge that you never say things like 'don't worry, it can't get through the door' or 'relax, we'll be safe locked in here' because sods law is it _can_ get through the door and you _aren't _safe. That smarmy git would have been better saying 'yep, it's alive alright' because then the very opposite would have happened, the creature would turn out to be dead then he and the blonde bimbo could go off and shag each other silly…"

He looked towards Lister hoping for agreement, but all he got was a strange look.

"Any more tips from the 'Rimmer book of how to avoid death in horror movies'? Or is that your lot for the evening?"

Rimmer smirked "Never run when you're being chased!" he said, clicking at Lister.

"What should I do, walk? Saunter? Tap dance perhaps?" said Lister sarcastically.

Rimmer forced a smile "No, hide…that way you can wait till whatever is chasing you has got bored and gone off to gnaw on the remnants of your associates…"

"Nice" shuddered Lister. Sometimes, Rimmer was just too creepy.

"You laugh now, but you'll thank me when you're legging it down some darkened passage way and you spot some convienietly placed dustbins which you can cower behind…"

"Yeah, that's the point Rimmer, there probably _won't _be a time in my near future when I'm running away from something that wants to kill me!" said Lister.

It was at that point that Kryten's voice echoed down the corridor. "Sirs?"

"In here, Krytes" called Lister,

"Ah, sirs. There's a likely looking derelict nearby, just wondered if you think we should go and have a look…"

"Why wouldn't we?" asked Rimmer, crossing his arms menacingly, he hadn't it whenever the bog bot suggested doing anything. It should be Rimsy giving the orders, but no…. they'd all rather listen to the marigold wearing Mechanoid!

Kryten's face became anxious. "This derlict was not picked up by the scanners, it is a purpose built Government ship that no-one was meant to know about. It's covered in sound deflecting tiles meaning it is virtually indictable to passing spacecraft…"

"Well what could be on there that needs to hidden so badly?" mused Lister.

"An unrealised Cheeky Girls album?" guessed Rimmer "It was shot into the space so no one would have to suffer it!"

"I think it's something far far worse then a collection of songs produced by two Transylvanians who are so scrawny they make a stick insect look obese...I think whatever was in that craft is dangerous…"

"Any life signs?" asked Lister, intrigued by this spacecraft that wasn't supposed to exist.

"I'm not sure," said Kryten, heaving his shoulders up to his ears before letting them drop again.

"Excellent" barked Rimmer "Fan-smegging-bloody-tastic. You're about as clear as park pond at times… and yet, oddly enough; we've got to go with what you say…whether it's right or not! That's dictatorship for you!"

Kryten blinked "actually, sir. I was unable to detect life signs due to ships design. Government craft are often involved in undercover operations, so it must appear as if no-one is onboard to anyone who has the immense luck to come across it…"

Rimmer's face sagged with disappointment "ah" was all that his ashamed vocal chords could manage.

"Well, nothing to stop us taking is look is there?" said Lister, jumping down from his bunk and dusting the bits of popcorn from his shirt.

"Are you sure, sir?" asked Kryten "don't you want finish watching your film first?"

Lister looked towards the vid screen, "nah, not tonight…Rimmer's really put me off horror movies…"

Rimmer mouth open and closed whilst his brain hurriedly searched though the brimming over'Insults' file at the front of hismind (easy access).

"Let's grab the Cat and check it out" said Lister, tugging on his jacket and walking out of his quarters, followed by Kryten.

Just as they'd left, Rimmer's brain raced forward, waving the newly found insult round and round "got it" it wheezed.

Rimmer's eyes blinked as he noticed the lack of insultee. His brain slumped forward dejectedly "I don't know" it sighed "I spend all my time rushing here and there, finding insults, recalling forgotten memoires, remebering all sorts of junk...and what thanks do I get…none…not a sausage. Smeg all that's what I get! Would it be so much trouble to get a 'thank you card' every now and then?"

It was at that point Rimmer managed to shut his brain up, he smoothed down his hair before running after the other two, safe in the knowledge he had the whole length of the corridor to think of a hideously offensive, hurtful insult to get back at Lister…


	2. Exploration

**Sunrise over the tango factory: **I'd like to start this A/N by firstly apologising for chapter 1. It was written late at night after I'd eaten pizza, drank lots of coke and got hyped up on Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy...I understand this can't be used as an excuse, but I promise to try and make the rest of the story better, with fewer spelling mistakes:D  
Thanks

* * *

The air lock door swung open with a loud, creak that echoed down the dark corridor.

The Dwarfers stepped cautiously out of the air lock, taking in their surroundings, wondering who'd be the first to suggest a quick scarper back to the safety of Red Dwarf.

Kryten tilted his ear towards the ceiling and listened. "Engines must be dead," he said in a low whisper. "The whole ship is running on emergency back up power"

The dim lights overheard flickered once or twice, casting eerie shadows across the walls and floor. Kryten gave a supportive smile before bravely setting off down the corridor, forcing the others to follow.

For a few minutes they walked in total silence, the light of Kryten's chest piece bouncing about in front of them.

At the back of the group, Lister suddenly got the feeling he was being followed. He froze as he heard what sounded like footsteps, "did you guys hear that?" he asked nervously.

"Hear what sir?" asked Kryten, turning round so quickly Cat crashed into him.

Lister frowned in concentration as he strained to hear the noise again, but the only thing that could be heard was silence. "Nothin'" he dismissed.

So they carried on walking.

After a few dozen steps, Lister got the feeling again, but this time he opted to keep his mouth shut.

He walked slightly quicker, apprehensive about being left alone. Just when he thought this situation couldn't get any creepier he heard hushed voices and the fall of footsteps on the dusty floor.

"I definitely heard something that time" he found himself yelling, racing towards Kryten.

"Are you sure, sir?" asked Kryten "We didn't hear anything…"

Lister at this point was really terrified, "I swear Krytes, there's something back there," he pointed down the corridor,

"Leave him Kryten" snapped Rimmer "He's been watching too many of those crappy horror movies…letting his imagination run away with him"

"But there's something down there" Lister hissed "look" he grabbed Kryten's shoulders and turned him so his chest light shone back down the corridor.

"Wow" said Rimmer sarcastically "a big whole lot of nothingness…quick everyone, run before it gets us"

Lister's mouth flapped open and closed for a few seconds as he tried to make sense of it all "But…but, summat was following me…I heard footsteps!"

Rimmer rolled his eyes dramatically, "did you ever think that they might be _your_ footsteps echoing off the walls?"

Lister looked down to his feet and shifted about, "obviously not" snarled Rimmer, he nodded at Kryten to carry on ahead "Now Lister, could you please put your overactive imagination to rest and keep quiet, so that the rest of us my panic in peace without having to be subjected to your incessant, moronic ramblings!"

Lister scowled at Rimmer but said nothing.

Maybe Rimmer was right about his imagination getting the better of him…he wasn't usually this jumpy, and he had been watching a lot of horror movies lately…maybe it was because how creepy looking the derelict was. The perfect setting for a horror movie…dark…quiet…full of places someone or something could hide.

They then came to a junction, 3 corridors lay in front of them, whilst Kryten contemplated which way to go, Lister gazed about the walls, his eyes came to rest on the corridor to his left.

Several pairs of eyes stared back at him unblinkingly; he turned away before a cold sense of realisation took over him.

He looked back towards them before screaming, making the others jump as they turned to see what was the matter, they spotted what Lister was screaming at.

A group of about 10 or 12 people, their faces grey in the murky light of the ship. For a second or two neither party moved.

They stared at each other, the only noise that could be heard was Rimmer's whimpering.

Tired with waiting, the people let out a war cry and produced knives and guns from behind their backs

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUN!" screamed Rimmer already half way down the corridor..

Cat, Kryten and Lister quickly followed, the tribe of people in hot pursuit, still chanting their war cry. The Dwarfers scrambled through the maze of corridors, turning left right but it was hopeless each corridor was exactly the same as the last, and it truly felt as if they were going round in circles and the chances of finding the air lock were miniscule.

As Lister turned to check on his chasers, he lost his footing and tumbled spectacularly to the ground. He winced as his clambered to his feet before racing off to a corridor on his right, he limped as fast as he could and when sure he was no longer being followed, collapsed against the wall.

It was then he realised he wasn't with the others, "smeg" he muttered, he must have lost them. He looked up and down the corridor in the hope they'd be there…obviously they weren't. They could be the other side of the ship…they could be anywhere!

When Lister felt he'd recovered enough, he set off down the corridor, whistling to try and mask the death like silence that hung in the corridor.

He then heard the sound of footsteps again; he froze for a second or two before continuing. The footsteps got quicker…someone had found him…and was following him!

He counted to 3 before breaking into a run, his pursuer raced after him but his head start gave him an advantage.

It looked as if Lister was winning, he'd never ran this fast in his entire life, adrenaline pumped through his veins giving him that little extra speed. He saw a service lift just ahead…if he could get into that, he'd be safe.

The footsteps suddenly died, and Lister jumped to assumption his chaser had given up.

No such look.

He heard the 'ppt' of a dart being fired from a gun, and before he could react he felt a sharp sting in his calf, he cried out in pain yet still hobbled along, struggling with each passing step as a warm, tingling sleepiness crept up his leg.

When he realised he couldn't run any more, Lister turned round to fight, but before he could lay eyes on his attacker, he was knocked the floor where, because of a mixture of tranquillisers and minor head injury, promptly blacked out…


	3. The capture

**Sunrise over the tango factory:** Hey y'all! This chapter would have been up last night but fan fic was playing up for me...so here we are. Enjoy! Cheers to all how've reviewed!

* * *

It was the pain that woke him up.

A dull, grinding ache at the very back of his skull, he could taste the pain in his mouth, making him grimace.

Also, something was pressing hard against his chest, he tried to raise his arms to push whatever it was off, only to discover he was pinned helplessly to the floor.

The somewhat fuzzy memories of what had happened formed in his mind.

He remembered the chase...he remembered the dart in his leg…and he remembered seeing the ceiling before he slipped into unconsciousness.

Lister forced his eyes open, blinked til his vision became clearer, and jumped slightly as he saw someone staring down at him.

A woman.

She was kneeling over him, her hands driving him into the floor.

Even at that precise moment in time, Lister noted how incredibly pretty she was.

Her ivory coloured skin seemed to shine in the light. Her hair was dyed a silvery grey and cut very close to her head except for her fringe, that hung low across her right eye making her look like a lioness peering through the savannah grass, sizing up her pray.

Her eyes travelled up and down his body, as if taking everything in before she stared him straight in the eye, her lips twitched into what could only be described as a minute smile and she raised her eyebrows slightly as if to say 'well, what have we here?'

Lister did what any normal, red-blooded male would do in that situation.

Flirt.

He smiled charmingly, "Hi, I'm Lister" he extended his hand.

The woman took his offered hand but did not shake it, instead yanked Lister to his feet with considerable force before twisting his arm behind his back and marching him off down the corridor.

Lister attempted to make conversation but it proved pointless, he received nothing back. It was like trying to talk to Rimmer whilst he was in a sulk, so the pair walked in complete silence for a few minutes.

"Listen, could you ease up a little?" asked Lister; trying not to wince at the sharp pain in his shoulder. This woman was strong, really strong and he was pretty sure if she carried on like this, she'd surely break his arm.

The woman gave him a nudge in the back with her free arm but loosened her grip nonetheless.

Lister was then led down a set of stairs, which led to a large, crudely built but sturdy jail that was spread across the whole of the room.

Before he could ask what was happening, he was pushed through the cell door and locked in.

He'd perhaps only been stood there half a second, when he was suddenly grabbed by the waist,

"MR LISTER!" shrieked Kryten, holding onto Lister so tight he was being lifted off the floor "YOU'RE ALIVE!"

"Krytes" he managed to breathe.

The mechanoid immediately let go "Are you okay sir?" he asked worriedly, "you're not hurt or anything are you? Feverish, temporary loss of vision, are you hearing voices?"

"Apart from yours no…I'm fine, man. Honest!" reassured Lister, walking about the cell, taking it all in.

"Are you sure sir, you do appear to be limping…"

Lister looked down at his leg, which was still tingling, "It's nothing" he dismissed, not really in the mood for Kryten's fussing "The girl who was chasing me fired a tranquilliser dart at my leg …it's still not wore off yet"

From the shadows there came a braying, obnoxious laugh that made Lister groan.

"Hello Rimmer…"

The hologram emerged from the darkness; a wide, slightly manic grin plastered on his face "You got caught by a girl! You're really just a little wimp aren't you Listy?"

Lister rolled his eyes and walked past him,

"It took 5 men to take me on and even then I didn't come quietly, they had a real struggle on their hands with me!" Rimmer announced smugly, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"Are you absolutely certain that's what happened, sir?" said Krtyen "as I recall when me, you and the Cat were caught, you threw yourself at the leaders feet, begged for them to spare your life in exchange for ours and we all had to wait for 20 minutes whilst you curled up into a ball and cried like a 5 year old…."

Rimmer's face transformed itself into a sneer, "You always have to ruin it don't you" he said snidely,

It was then that Cat spoke. Up until that point he'd been in an untameable panic, he'd searched the entire cell from top to bottom…but he couldn't find a single wardrobe.

He'd been forced to lie quietly on one of the bunks whilst he tried to come to terms with the shock.

"What are those things?" he asked "They look human but there sure don't _smell_ human…"

Kryten look towards him "whilst we were running for our lives, I did a quick search of my databanks, and I've found all about these…well lets call them people."

"What d'you by that?" asked Rimmer, a hint of panic in his voice,

"Lets start at the beginning" said Kryten "with the concept of designer babies…"

The Cat smiled toothily "sounds like me in my infancy"

Kryten waved Cat's comment aside "It started off being used for medical uses. If a child was suffering from a threatening genetic disease, the parents could have another child with a specific blood type or the right type of tissues that could help it's sibling. Scientist had the power to 'switch off' bits of DNA or, just as easily, replace sections so that a baby could be born with the specific blood type or whatever. Of course, this practise was later abused. Rich couples wanted to choose the every aspect of their child, from it's sex to it's hair colour, eye colour, IQ, even it's sporting ability…"

"So it could the _perfect_ child?" questioned Rimmer "So that's why John, Frank and Howard were all so bloody flawless…my parents must have chosen their every characteristic"

The Cat sneered, "I guess they were having a bad day when they chose yours!"

"Sirs" interrupted Kryten, as Rimmer opened his mouth to argue, "Can I please continue?"

Cat and Rimmer nodded, and allowed Kryten to speak "This was fine for a while, scientists were making a tidy sum for creating rich couples 'dream child' but they soon grew bored of it. There's only so long that creating blonde haired, blue-eyed children can be entertaining. It was then that they started to talk about building a human from scratch in a laboratory. They would not only design every aspect of their physical appearance but also their personality. Obviously there was uproar, human rights protesters claimed it was 'playing God' and the government forbid it…"

"I'm following you so far," said Rimmer "but how does all that link into them…"

"I'm getting there sir! You need to know the background information before you can truly understand…where was I? Oh yes, the government forbid them from carrying it out, so the scientists simply went away and did it in secret, with funding from the Russian Mafia…It was a long and difficult process, there were many failures and it took 34 years for them to produce the first human free without any defects…."

"What did they do then?" asked the Cat "have a party? Go home to their wives?"

Kryten smiled "they went to the government with their creations,"

"I thought these people were meant to be smart!" snapped Rimmer "It's the equivalent of stealing a jar of sweets from a sweet shop then going in and showing the shopkeeper what you've just done…I mean, the governments not going to be too happy that the scientists did it anyway behind their backs!"

"Ah, the scientists had already thought about that. They'd designed and built something that the government would be crazy to turn down…"

"A truthful politician?"

"Nope…but I can see how that _would _be useful…they'd designed the 'ultimate warrior'…remember the Polymorph?"

"Only too well" hissed the Cat, shuddering at the thought,

"These people are the early forms of war G.E.L.F's, designed to be stronger and quicker than humans. They were built to capture prisoners of war…the government were delighted…they finally now had an army that needed little R and R, could withstand fatal injuries and followed orders first time with no objections…and the scientists were happy because they could stop waking up to find a horses head in their bed!"

"So how come there's a bunch of them flying around in deep space?" asked Rimmer

"They no longer had a purpose" said Kryten "as wars got more violent these G.E.L.F's proved too gentle…armies wanted things to kill their enemies rather then capture them…so the G.E.L.F's were used less and less, some died from old age, but the rest couldn't be killed as it would technically be classed as murder, so the ones that were left were shot into space…"

"Shot into space" repeated Rimmer, dumbstruck

Kryten nodded "it's the equivalent of a flooded quarry on a much larger scale…the chances of someone finding them was miniscule…"

"But how've they survived all this time…" queried the Cat, "Okay, my maths aint that good but I know it's been a very very very long time"

"They were built with the ability to breed…cloning and building a human from scratch took money and time, so it was far easier and simpler to let them breed naturally…this also meant mutations could occur that would be of an advantage, such as being a faster runner…"

"Will they kill us?" asked Rimmer after a moment of silence.

"Most probably not, sir" reassured Kryten

Rimmer nodded and walked over to the bunks before he paused and spun round "WHAT D'YOU MEAN 'MOST PROBABLY NOT'?"

His question went unanswered when the door at the top of the flight of steps was thrown open and someone began to walk slowly and menacingly down the sta 


	4. She

Sunrise over the tango factory: Ugh...this chapters been a little git to write. Anyway...a BIG BIG BIG thank you to the following: Jolinar of Malkshur, cazflibs, alex, Quaria, smegginitlarge(for help), reddwarfaddict (yes you may call me bex),boogle, Lyrith and Lar-ton (for being a big help).You are all stars!  
Ta.  
Sunrise

* * *

The footsteps of the unknown individual echoed off the walls of the vast cell.

The Dwarfers shuddered slightly as the noise got louder and louder and waited, with baited breath, when they abruptly stopped.

A long pause followed before:

"Gentlemen…welcome aboard"

A man emerged from the shadows. His eyes were as cold as a wall of steel covered in ice, his face dark and foreboding. He towered above each of the Dwarfers at nearly 7 foot high. He flashed them a smile that was anything but welcoming, before walking over to the cell.

His walk alone made Rimmer practically faint with fear

It was a powerful stride. It screamed strength and intimidation. He'd step forward slowly with his right leg, his heel touching the ground first before he allowed the rest of foot to fall, boots clanging on the metal floors. Before he'd stepped forward again he'd grind his heel into the floor, as if stubbing out a non-existent cigarette. His arms where folded neatly behind his back, making his already broad shoulders appear even wider. All the while, his eyes were locked on the inhabitants of the cell before him.

He had the aura of a vicious headmaster: quiet and calm on the outside, but you always knew he was going to strike at any given time.

"It is my duty to inform you that you are now all prisoners of war," said the man in a hushed whisper, looking at each of the Dwarfers in turn with the same look of contempt.

"War?" squealed Rimmer outraged "what war?"

The man turned on the hologram faster then a bullet being shot out of a gun. He lunged forward but rather than grabbing Rimmer; he grabbed the iron bar of the cell…his metal ring clanking against it as he did so.

He narrowed his eyes dangerously "Do not try to fool me," he hissed "I know what game you play…and I know the war of which you fight in!"

Rimmer gulped. It was such a loud, blatantly obvious gulp that Lister was pretty sure that if there_were_ people on earth, they'd hear it, raise their heads to listen and say 'he's a bit of a coward isn't he?'

"Oh that war" laughed Rimmer falsely, "Erm, yes, completely slipped my mind for a second there…you see I've been...erm…fighting f-for so long now, you do tend to loose track…of…well, yes-" he trailed off as the mans eyes bore deep into Rimmer's very soul.

"You will remain here as prisoners. You will be guarded 24 hours a day to limit your chances of escape, but if by some incredible chance you _do_ escape…" he leant forward towards the bars, his eyes glowing dangerously before saying "we look forward to the hunt…" the man allowed himself a small chuckle before walking towards the steps, his associates in tow.

It was at that moment that Rimmer's nerves finally got the better of him, and he fainted with the teeniest of whimpers, but the troupe of people paid little or no attention.

The Dwarfers stood in complete silence, hardly daring to breathe, before Cat said sincerely

"He seemed nice!"

Amazingly, he was the only one who held this opinion...

* * *

If there was one thing Rimmer hated, it was things turning out fine. 

He and the others had been kept as prisoners of war for over a week now, and he had to grudgingly admit it wasn't _too_ bad.

Lister and Cat had meals brought to them 3 times a day. Rimmer was giving regular battery charges to save him the embarrassment of suddenly turning blue as the signal from the Dwarf weakened. Kryten was delighted at the prospect of scrubbing, cleaning, polishing and mopping the cell.

Even the Cat didn't complain that much.

At first he'd prowled the cell, wailing at the lack of wardrobe facilities, mourning over his clothes back on board Red Dwarf that lined Green Corridor 257 and hissing insults at the guards. Late at night he wept shamelessly at the thought of all those clothes he couldn't wear.

In the end the G.E.L.F's found some rolls of fabric and sowing supplies for him to vent his frustrations on, merely because the racket he was making could be heard all over the ship.

Lister was perhaps the only one of the Dwarfers who actually liked being a POW, for the simple reason of …her.

The girl who'd chased him caught him and dragged him, rather painfully, to the cell.

He didn't know her name yet, but of one thing he was certain…she was hot.

She was sexy.

She was desirable.

She was gorgeous.

And, she was most deffinatly shaggable.

Lister was currently lay on one of the cell bunks, eyes locked on the door at the top of the stairs, waiting. He'd figured out her shift times, her next due to start in 3 minutes time.

Checking his watch, he smiled in joyous anticipation.

The door clanged open, Lister's new favourite sound; he leapt off his bunk, nearly tripping over in the process as the girl picked her way down the steps.

The sudden movement caught Rimmer's eye, "look at him" he snarled at Lister leant casually against the bars and smiled at the girl expectantly. "He's worse then a dog at a kennel, as soon as it sees a prospective family, they're up against the glass, yapping and whining, trying to look it's cutest…. it's disgusting!"

The Cat nodded in agreement "Pathetic-"

Rimmer smiled, pleased that someone saw things just like him. He started when he saw it was Cat, "what are you doing here?"

Cat flashed a grin "looking gorgeous…what else?"

"I mean, why aren't you over there with Mr. 'Shag me, I'm desperate'? You're always longing to get your end away? I would have thought you'd have jumped right in there when you figured there was a pair of breasts attached to our guard…"

The Cat fixed Rimmer with an uncharacteristically serious look "there's an old cat saying" he said, "Never bed your enemy!"

It was Rimmer's turn to nod, "I think you'd better go over there and tell him that," he said, gesturing at Lister "because his saying is 'if it moves, bed it. If it doesn't, bed it anyway…just in case!'"

"She's nice and all" commented the Cat, "but her hair would clash with _every _single one of my outfits…how am I supposed to engage in a relationship with a girl who would not match with anything I own. Not even with my Royal blue silk tux with diamante tie and matching cufflinks? It's outrageous!"

Rimmer laughed "a relationship…how can you call something that lasts 5 minutes long a relationship?"

The Cat smiled pleasantly "Well how can you call something that lasts 12 minutes long a sexual experience?"

Rimmer's eyes bulged out of his head while his mouth released shocked, splutterly noises; before he stalked off to the other side of the cell…realising he'd met his match with that one.

Meanwhile, Lister was watching her. He felt his heart skip a beat as she talked to the guard, one hand on her hip, head turned to one side as she listened the her co-worker. He sighed longingly as she flicked her fringe out of her eyes and he swore that her gaze wandered over to him once or twice.

His happiness was short lived when she immediately made her way back up the stairs.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" protested Lister "where's she going? It's her shift…she should be working!"

"Night night boys" she cooed teasingly as she left the cell room.

"Come back!" begged Lister "WORK OVER TIME…I'll make it fun? Please, you're a great guard, loads better then this bald geezer-"

The guard growled angrily, before Lister added hastily "No offence man-" he then continued shouting after the female G.E.L.F "What about if I let you beat me up? How's that sound? I won't mind, honest…hello? SMEG!" he hit the cell bars in exasperation before turning to the others, who were watching him bemusedly, and asked, "did I sound too desperate?"

"No, not at all" grinned Rimmer


	5. Very reassuring

Apart from being struck down by a horrid case of writers block right at the beginning of this chapter, it's turned out okay. I've had quite a bit of help of Raging tree trunk and smegginitlarge, who've put up with me asking daft questions on MSN. Thanks to all those who've reviewed!  
Sunrise

* * *

Lister leant his head against the cold bars of the cell; deep in thought "d'you reckon if I pretended to collapse she'd come in and give me mouth to mouth?" he asked the others 

Rimmer raised his head from the bunk, and mulled the question over "Nope." He said finally "In fact I'm pretty sure she'd leave you there in the hope whatever you'd collapsed with was fatal!"

"Smeg off!"

"I was only answering your question!" replied Rimmer, trying to sound hurt "Sometimes I feel like none of you value my opinion!"

"Why ever would you get that idea?" said the Cat, with mock sincerity making Rimmer brighten, he then added, "We _never _value your opion ever!"

"Well" snapped the hologram "I might as well just find some lonely, desolate uninhabited planet and live there, since you all think so little of me!"

"Please…as soon as possible, heck why not now?" replied the Cat, enthusiasm evident in his voice and smile.

"Don't you have a scratch post to rip to shreds?" sniped Rimmer

Kryten wasn't listening to this argument, not that he normally did. Disputes between the Cat and Rimmer could often last several hours, days if Lister got involved.

The main reason why Kryten wasn't listening was Mr. Lister.

Over the past week the mechanoid had become increasingly worried about him.

He was happy. Too happy for someone locked in a cell with minimal chance of escape.

Just when Kryten thought it was humanly impossible for Lister to get any happier…he did, but then, totally out of the blue, he'd spiral into a dark pit of depression.

It had something to do with that female G.E.L.F

Before her arrival, Lister would never keep still for more than a second; he was like Cat in the presence of two mirrors, not really knowing what to do or where to go for the best.

Once she came, he was entirely different, acting casual as if she didn't affect him at all but once her shift had ended Lister would mope about the cell, sighing loudly and miserably whenever he could.

Checking his watch, Lister smiled "only 5 and a half hours til her shift starts!"

"They've got a name for people like you" said Rimmer "what is it now" he raised his eyes to the ceiling in pretend concentration "Ah...yes…_stalker_!"

"I'm not a stalker!" objected Lister "I'm just taking an interest in her…"

"Mmm" smiled Rimmer sarcastically "perhaps _too_ much of an interest!"

"Sir" pleaded Kryten, walking towards Lister "I understand how monumentally frustrating it must be for you, being stuck in deep space without a person with an additional X chromosome, but I beg you to consider the current situation…G.E.L.F's are notoriously vicious and merciless!"

"She can't be that bad, can she?" asked Rimmer "I mean, she's a girl!"

"Firstly, I shall ignore that incredibly sexist comment, Mr Rimmer and secondly, female G.E.L.F's are just as, if not more, violent than their male companions…especially at certain times of the month!"

Rimmer's eyebrows knitted together in confusion for a moment before he understood "ah" he said "that!"

"What?" asked Lister genuinely confused, "What does 'that' mean, I don't get it!"

Rimmer smirked at his stupidity "Ever heard the saying 'don't trust anything that can bleed for five days but doesn't die…"

"Oh, 'that'!" said Lister, somewhat awkwardly

"The point Kryten's trying to make, Lister is if you do by some bizarre, freaky incident _do_ hook up with the female G.E.L.F it's not going to be pretty. One false word and she's have your eyes out quicker than an industrial strength hoover at point blank range!"

"She won't!" argued Lister "cos she likes me!" it would have been a good, fairly mature comeback had he not stuck his tongue out at the end of it.

"Lister" said Rimmer, slowly and forcefully so it would penetrate through his brain "The first time she met you, she chased you down a corridor, fired a tranquiliser dart into your leg, knocked you to the floor and rendered you unconscious…hardly what I'd describe as a 'grab your coat, you've pulled' situation!"

"You gotta admit, buddy" offered the Cat "that's a pretty violent first meeting…hardly love at first sight…more like loathing at first sight…and I should know about that…it happened the moment I met Rimmer!"

The holograms nostrils flared dangerously, but he said nothing back, preferring to just look angry.

Lister shook his head "maybe…maybe she likes to show her affections with violence…" he tried,

"Oh I see now!" mocked Rimmer, "She nearly destroys what little brains you have because _she likes you!_ Could imagine what she'd do during sex…it doesn't bare thinking about!"

Cats eyes glazed over "I wouldn't mind dying a tragic, horrifically painful death if I meant I could knock boots with her before hand!" he grinned toothily and ran a tongue over his lips suggestively.

"Hey" protested Lister "hands off she's mine!"

"Not yet!" sneered the Cat, "she's hardly come in here, thrown herself at you screaming 'take me I'm yours' has she?"

"Well no-"

"So" smiled the Cat "that means she's for the taking…hey, let the sexiest guy win!"

"I intend to!" smirked Lister,

Cat was temporarily incapacitated as he was laughing so much.

It was at that point that the door at the top of the stairs swung open and two burly male G.E.L.F's came stomping down the stairs.

Going with his instinct Rimmer went and hid the corner of the cell.

One of the G.E.L.F's opened the cell door, the Dwarfers exchanged confused glances.

The guards never came into the cell.

"You" growled the G.E.L.F, pointing at Lister.

"Me?"

The G.E.L.F simply nodded before he and his comrade grabbed Lister by the arms and dragged him bodily from the cell.

"W-what for?" he managed to stutter,

"Torture." Said G.E.L.F one simply.

A strange, eerie calmness took over Lister before his brain finally had the sense to say 'sod bein' calm and controlled…LETS PANIC!'

"Kryten!" yelled Lister, as his struggling form was hauled up the steps "I thought you said they only captured prisoners of war…"

"Don't worry, sir" clucked Kryten, waddling towards the front of they cell "They won't kill you…they just might torture you to within an inch of your life!

"Thanks, Krytes" bellowed Lister before he was flung out the door "VERY SMEGGING' REASSURIN'!"

Lister did his best to try and escape, it was hopeless. The G.E.L.F's were taller, broader and no doubt stronger than he was.

So he tried reasoning with them.

"Look, please don't hurt me…. I've done nuthin' wrong" The G.E.L.F's said nothing but just continued to yank him along,

He glanced up to see a door at the end of the corridor, the words 'TORTURE ROOM' painted in dark red on it's steel shell.

"You can't torture me," gabbled Lister "cos I'm…I'm allergic! Yeah, I'm allergic to torture, I come out in a rash and everythin'…. would you really want that on your conscience?"

The door to the torture room opened, and Lister was thrown into the darkness.

"I'll take that as a 'yes' then!" he yelled through the closed door. It was only once the footsteps of the G.E.L.F guards had died down that Lister realised there was someone else in the room with him...


	6. Torture

**Sunrise over the tango factory:** This may be my last update for a while...exams...meh! So this chapter is a little longer than usual. I'd like to give a huge HUGE thank you to Smegginitlarge and Raging Tree Trunk: for without them, this chapter would still be only 3 lines long...And also, thanks to everyone who reviewed!

* * *

There are few things a person can do to console themselves whilst tied to a chair, facing imminent torture.

All Lister could do was panic, wish he wasn't in this situation and think bitterly 'I bet Rimmer's really enjoying this!'

In the shadows, something moved, Lister's breathe caught in his throat as a figure emerged from the darkness.

The silver haired female G.E.L.F grinned at him.

Lister said the first thing that popped into his head; unfortunately it wasn't the most intelligent or witty thing to say in the current circumstances: "You!"

She flicked her fringe out of her eyes and walked towards him "I trust you know why you're here." she said stiffly

"I'm about to be tortured…. but, on the plus side it's gonna be performed by someone who's a bit of a dish…so I should die happy!"

"Before we get down to 'business' purred the G.E.L.F "I need you to answer some questions first…"

"Okay" Lister nodded "I like eatin' curries, drinkin' lager, sleepin'" before he added as an afterthought "oh and sex!"

The G.E.L.F smirked slightly "Not those type of questions" she paused "Is what the hologram said true?"

"If it's that he's a nice, honourable, likeable, decent, well rounded member of society then no…far from it!" said Lister

The G.E.L.F choose to ignore this "About there being no war"

Lister shifted uncomfortably in his chair "I don't answer any questions without my attorney!"

"Who is your attorney?"

"Kryten…if you undo the ropes I'll go get him, we'll have a chat and erm…we'll see if we can erm, come to some…some...sort of…" words failed him as the G.E.L.F sauntered towards him,

'If she comes any closer' he thought 'i'm gonna get turned on'

She slid onto his lap and draped herself across his shoulders; she leant close to him so their bodies touched, and her eyes were centimetres away from his.

'Too late!'

She smiled. It was a smile Lister hadn't seen before: it was warm, inviting, and sexy!

"You were saying…"

"I can't remember," he mumbled, staring at her.

"Good" she laughed "Now, perhaps you can answer my question…is there a war going on or not?"

"No" replied Lister confidently.

For a brief second the G.E.L.F delighted, but it was quickly masked by a cold glare, "Then why did you break into our ship?" she demanded, leaving his lap.

"We thought it was empty.," replied Lister quickly; in the hope she'd decide to get back on again "I'm sorry if we offended you, we didn't mean any harm!"

The G.E.L.F sighed and Lister jumped to the conclusion he and the others were going to be freed, "We can proceed with the torture then-" she said simply.

"Hang on," objected Lister, struggling with the ropes that bound him "we said we didn't mean any harm! I've said sorry…are you seriously sayin' after all that, you'd _still_ torture me!"

"Yes!" the G.E.L.F replied, "I've been looking forward to it!"

Lister closed his eyes and groaned inwardly. Kryten was right…this G.E.L.F didn't care about apologies, she was built to carry out her job and to never mind if she hurt anyone in the process.

He was suddenly aware that the female G.E.L.F was coming closer, he braced himself forwhatever method of torture she's chosen.

He felt her breath tickle his neck as she leant towards him.

Lister jumped in surprise as her lips touched his in a soft kiss, her hand slid down his back as she began to undo the ropes that tied him to the chair. Confusion was plastered on Lister's face, he opened his mouth to speak, but she stopped his words with a kiss.

Leaning down near Lister's ear she licked his neck and whispered huskily, "I. Also. Enjoy. Sex."

Straddling Lister's hips whilst he was in the chair, the G.E.L.F began nipping at his neck, "My name's Toni."

Lister gasped as Toni tore the shirt down the front ripping the buttons off in one swift moment and running a hand down his stomach before reaching the top of his pants

"What would you do if I happened to- accidentally- slip my hand" she leaned in her breasts pressing against Lister's chest, "...lower."

Gulping, Lister closed his eyes, "Li-like, how do you m-mean?"

Toni pouted, "Oh like this." She said before slipping her hands down the top of his pants,

Lister yelped, "Jesus! Mary and JOSEPH!"

Toni giggled, "so poetic" she teased, tugging him onto the floor, "I've liked you ever since I knocked you to the floor…I need you…I need you right here and right now!"

Lister moaned audibly as Toni pulled his shirt off completely and kissed his neck, nails digging into his back before placing his hands on her shirt before telling him to "take it off... take it all off."

Not wanting to upset the lady, Lister tugged Toni's shirt off, "Good Boy" she purred, "Now…TAKE ME!"

* * *

"Poor Mr Lister" fretted Kryten back in the cell "I can only imagine what horrific, painful, cruel, twisted down right evil methods of gruesome torture he's having to endure…."

* * *

Outside the torture room, G.E.L.F one raised his head and listened carefully. 

"Can you hear screams?" he asked his companion,

G.E.L.F two titled his head and listened, "Yeah" he said eventually "But it's okay…they're coming from the torture room."

"Good" replied G.E.L.F one "For a moment there it sounded as if someone was having sex…"

* * *

"I'd best you get you back…before someone gets suspicious" Toni said, detangling herself from Lister's arms, 

"Can't you torture me a bit longer?" begged Lister,

"No, sorry" she replied, tossing Lister his clothes. He began to get dressed, looking thoroughly miserable.

"But-" said Toni "You are booked in for another torture session next week…or if you want, I could reschedule it for in 2 days time ?"

Lister grinned at her whilst he buttoned up what remained of his shirt, "I need to ask you a question…don't get me wrong, what just happened was...well smeggin' fantastic…but did you really mean it about liking me?"

"Yes" sighed Toni, slipping her arms round Lister's waist "I could hardly ignore all the looks you've been giving me, could I?" she gave him a quick peck on the cheek, "Now, when you go back I don't want you to tell _anyone_ about this…" she paused briefly "I'm not meant to sleep with prisoners…and if I were to be found out…I'd be killed"

Lister nodded mutely,

Toni gave him a small smile "When you return to your cell, I want you to make it seem like a really did torture you…use your imagination, say whatever you like!"

"Sure thing, babe" said Lister, as he took hold of his arm and led him outside.

* * *

Kryten was worrying. Had he been built with fingernails, he would have chewed them down to the stumps by now. Mr Lister had been dragged off for torture some two and a half hours ago and had not yet returned. 

"Suppose I was wrong" wailed Kryten to the Cat and Rimmer "Suppose these G.E.L.F's had broke their programming, and were capable of killing…oh Mr Lister would have died ill-informed and-"

"Hang on a sec" interrupted Rimmer "are you saying there's a possibility that Lister could be dead?"

The mechanoid whimpered at the severity of Rimmer's questions and nodded.

"Excellent!" whopped Rimmer "Finally, things are looking up!"

"Mr Rimmer!" gasped Kryten, disgusted "I am…well not shocked, that's the sort of comment I've come to expect from you…I'm disgusted, how can you sit there and happily say you 'hope' Mr Lister is dead?"

"Kryten" sneered Rimmer "I just did!"

The sound of the door opening made everyone stop. Kryten nearly exploded with joy as Mr Lister was walked down the steps by the same two G.E.L.F's who'd taken him earlier.

"Mr Lister" gushed Kryten, racing to meet him "How are you?"

"Pretty good for a guy who's just been tortured…" he muttered, limping over to his bunk (he might as well make it look realistic).

"Listy" asked Rimmer excitedly "How was it? Was it bad? How bad? Did it hurt? How much? Can I watch next time?"

Lister took note of the wide smile on the holograms face "pretty bad" he said quietly as Cat and Kryten gathered round him,

"What did they do to you buddy?"

"Summat terrible…" replied Lister, throwing a shudder in for good measure.

Cat's jaw dropped open "They made you listen to Rimmer's entire collection of Hammond Organ music!"

"Sir, as indescribably painful that experience is" said Kryten "It doesn't count as a form of torture…at least not officially!"

"What's wrong with Hammond organ music?" demanded Rimmer

"Nothing" hissed the Cat "If you're as deaf as a post!"


	7. It's complete and utter smeg

**A/N:** Okay, apologies for the delay between posts. Due to numerous reasons like exams (blah) and having to practically re-write this entire chapter (first draft was complete pooh!) and also the need to eat and sleep has got in the way a bit.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank those who reviewed Chapter 6. Thank you smegginitlarge, reddwarfaddict, boogle, the anonymous reviewer (who I actually know and will be getting some harsh words when I see him next!), Feline Ranger, Giver-of-Hope and Jumana. Thanks so much!

**Sunrise  
****xxxx**

* * *

"I mean," barked Rimmer; pacing the cell agitatedly "Who _does_ he think he's kidding?" He put on a whiney scouse accent "It was reely, reely bad man! An' it reely, reely hert!" He shook his head in disgust. "Pathetic…" he waited for the Cat and Kryten to shout their agreements, but there came no reply. He looked up and saw that no one was paying a blind bit of notice. 

"Erm hello?" he said, waving his arms about "Can we pay attention to me for a bit?"

"Why would I do that?" sneered the Cat "I just ate!"

"Oh hilarious" mocked Rimmer "It's a shame we're not on earth otherwise you could have gone on stage with an act like that!" he crossed his arms, childishly and turned to Kryten in the hopes of support. "You get what I'm going on about, don't you Kryten?"

The mechanoid shook his head "I hardly ever do, sir. You're perhaps the most complexly complicated, un-understandable person I've ever met in my life."

Rimmer closed his eyes and groaned "What could I have possible done in my previous lives to deserve this?" he dragged his hands down his face before groaning once again, "Am I seriously the only person who thinks this whole 'Lister getting tortured' thing is complete and utter smeg?"

"You wanna know what I think?" said the Cat, whilst he preened himself in front of the mirror.

"No" replied Rimmer sullenly "but you'll say it anyway whether we want to hear it or not…"

"I think-" said the Cat, turning this way and that before frowning "I've used the wrong type of material to make these trousers…look what they've done to my beautiful ass…it looks like 2 cabbages wrapped in cling film!"

"Can we please move this conversation away from your ass please?" snapped Rimmer,

"And why would we wanna do that" replied the Cat, his disastrous trousers momentarily forgotten "There's so many topics: how divinely gorgeous it is, how lucky I am to have such a fine ass, how woman love my ass!"

"Well what's not for them to love" smiled Rimmer falsely "They can engage in a better conversation with it then they could with your head!"

"Sirs, I think we're getting off topic here," said Kryten quickly as he saw the Cat bear his fangs and prepare to pounce. "Mr Rimmer, why on earth would you believe that Lister is not being tortured?"

Rimmer narrowed his eyes at the mechanoid's stupidness "Yesterday I asked him what his torturer actually does…apparently _she_ bends him into strange positions, digs her nails in, handcuffs him and is just generally rough with him…and whips him! Does that's sounds remotely like torture to you? To me, it sounds like the description on the back of a cheap porno movie!"

"Sir" said Kryten, struggling to keep the temper out of his voice units "Are you implying that Mr Lister is having sex with his female torturer?"

"No" snarled Rimmer, "I am not implying, I'm saying straight out! He's having it off with her, and all that 'oh me, I'm in so much pain' it's all been an act"

Kryten shook his head, refusing to accept the holograms words,

Rimmer narrowed his eyes and persisted "Don't you think it's just a _little_ bit funny none of us have been carted off for torturing? It's only ever Lister…"

"Please Mr Rimmer, sir" began Kryten but he was interrupted by Cat,

"Hold your horses 'H' head," he said, staring Rimmer straight in the eye "Are you saying Lister is getting intimate with a woman…. instead of being tortured!"

"YES!" cried Rimmer exasperatedly,

"By that sexy silver haired G.E.L.F with the A star assets?"

"YES!"

The Cat sidled up to the bars and caught the attention of the G.E.L.F guard "I'd like to book myself into a torture session please!" he grinned.

* * *

Toni allowed herself a sigh as she buttoned up her shirt, whilst Lister was still lay on the floor behind her. 

He noted how unusually quiet she was. Normally after they'd finished, they'd lie in each other's arm, kissing and giggling and if either of them had the energy, gearing up for a repeat performance.

But tonight, almost instantly after 'it' had finished, she'd leapt up and began to get dressed.

"Did I do something wrong?" he blurted out, making her jump.

"No, no" she reassured, "it was lovely…its just…Oh never mind!"

"What?" asked Lister, a cold chill running through him at the thought of not pleasing a woman sexually, "If I didn't…ya know…do it for you…I wanna know…then I can go and top myself because-"

"I think the other G.E.L.F's are getting suspicious," said Toni,

'Good' sighed Lister; inside his head 'It's not me!'

"We may have to stop seeing each other," she said,

"What!" he said, almost laughing at how ludicrous it sounded.

"The other G.E.L.F's" said Toni, sitting next to him and taking his hand "They're getting suspicious…they've asked if they can perform the torture sometime…Geoffrey has shown an amazing interest in beating the crap out of you!"

Lister winced inwardly "and who's Geoffrey?"

"The tall one who gave you the 'welcome aboard speech'…he's a bit of a headcase actually!"

Lister bit the inside of his cheek "Now when you say torture…d'you mean our kind of 'torture'…or" he said dropping his voice "_torture_ torture!"

"_Torture_ torture" replied Toni solemnly

Lister nodded, "I was hoping so!" he shuddered "Because if it was the other torture you'd have to explain I'm not that way inclined!"

Toni's eyes began to sting as she blinked back the tears. She wasn't the crying type but suddenly being strong didn't matter any more. "It's so unfair" she whispered, "I don't think I could handle not being with you…"

Lister pulled her onto his chest and held her close "don't worry" he reassured, "I think I've got an idea…"

Toni looked up at him, her face torn between portraying confusion and hope "an idea?" she sniffed,

"I think I've got a way you and me can be together…far away from here!"

She smiled and kissed him on the cheek, "tell me!" she ordered, tracing her hands across his bare chest and stomach.

The problem was Lister couldn't tell her at that precise moment in time, as they both got a little distracted!

* * *

"Are you sure it'll work?" she asked, getting dressed for the third time that day. 

"Course" said Lister, pulling on his jacket "what could possible go wrong?"

Toni smiled before pushing him out the door "Same time tomorrow!" she snapped at the two G.E.L.F's who guarded the torture room door.

Lister turned his head and winked before he dragged away. His own words echoed round his head 'what could possible go wrong?'.

As he was soon to find out…anything…and everything!


	8. Escape

A/N: Once again a big thank you is due to smegginitlarge and raging tree trunk. They've helped me write the majority of this chapter and pointed out spelling and punctuation mistakes on the way (if you find anymore, don't blame me! It's their fault! Joking, don't blame them; I'm bad at typing…mainly due to my chunky man fingers!) . "As smegginitlarge pointed out" "I like to" "put" "speech marks" anywhere. Rage pointed out I'd wrote, "clam" instead of "calm"

Anyway, enough of my ramblings. On with the story. Thank you to all reviewers and readers! YOU ROCK!

**Sunny!  
****XXX**

* * *

Toni prayed no one would notice her unease as she walked through the maze of corridors. Her stomach was tying it's self in knots and her pale face was white with worry. 

She'd never done anything like this before.

Suppose they got caught? Death would be a certainty…

Her species was created to follow orders, yet here she was…. deliberately breaking the rules. At the very thought of this, her heart leapt into her throat and stole her breath away.

Toni clenched her fists to stop her hands shaking; she took several very deep breaths to try and calm herself down before making her way down the steps.

Lister gave her a supportive smile from behind the bars.

It was a smile that masked the truth, because in actual fact Lister was terrified.

More than terrified.

There hadn't been a word invented yet that truly described how extraordinarily terrified he was!

All of last night he'd lay in his bunk, clutching his pillow to his chest, barely breathing with the panic.

It was only once he'd got back to the cell did the full extent of what he was going to do hit him: he was going to try and escape from a spaceship crammed with semi-psychotic, trained killers...

Toni didn't make it much better; she came gliding down the stairs all cool, calm and collected, whereas Lister was 2 heartbeats away from a heart attack. He pulled himself together and tried his best to look like he wasn't about to faint.

"We need an extra pair of hands down in the engine room" he heard Toni say to the G.E.L.F guard "The engines nearly fixed but they need a little assistance!"

The G.E.L.F simply nodded "Watch the prisoners" he grunted as he made his way up the steps.

Toni smiled pleasantly and attempted to act casual as the G.E.L.F slammed the door at the top of the stairs shut.

She waited a few seconds, just in case he came back. Then waited a few seconds more, to be on the safe side.

Convinced that the G.E.L.F had taken her order seriously, she raced over to the cell door and began unlocking it. However her trembling hands made it difficult.

"Come on" she hissed, struggling with the lock "we've only got about 10 minutes before he realises he isn't actually needed!"

Rimmer's face contorted it's self with confusion "What the hell is going on?" he asked no one in particular.

He was suddenly aware of Lister stood next to him, looking very sheepish "You-" began Rimmer, but the sound of the cell door clanging open drowned him out.

Lister ran to Toni's side, "you know the quickest way to the air lock don't you?" he asked, running his hands up and down her bare arms in a comforting way.

"Corridor X5, it leads straight to the docking bays" she said briskly, "but we've got to hurry" and with that she grabbed Lister's hand and dragging him to the stairs.

"Hang on!" yelled Rimmer "Before we step a yard from this cell, there is something all of us-" he gestured to Kryten and the Cat "need to know. It's something vitally important and it is essential that we know the answer" he paused "You two have been having it off, haven't you?"

"Yeah" grinned Lister, "Great isn't it"

"Do you have any idea how much-"

"Sir" interjected Kryten, as Rimmer raised his finger ready to nag Lister into an early grave "Perhaps we may continue this heated debate later on, after we've escaped!"

"But I want to moan and whinge at him now!" whined Rimmer, disgruntled at the prospect of having to wait "If I have to wait til later I'll loose all my anger!"

"I doubt it sir, as you are the type of person who bears a grudge, no matter how incredibly small, for a long, long, long time. You'll still have plenty of anger to vent by the time we get back to Starbug!"

Rimmer shrugged half-heartedly, and walked out of the cell, closely followed by Cat and Kryten.

* * *

Toni stuck her head rounda corner and glanced apprehensively up the corridor. 

Empty.

But for how long?

The Dwarfers and Toni crept their way along the corridor, their ears strained for any sound other then they're own footsteps.

"This is insane," hissed Rimmer "we are never going to get out of this alive" he paused "or dead in my case!"

"Relax" said Lister, smirking at Rimmer's cowardice "we are not going to get caught..."

There came a loud shout from the gantries over their heads "THE PRISONERS HAVE ESCAPED!" alarms began to sound and the thundering of G.E.L.F footsteps.

"You were saying…" smirked Rimmer,

"Oh shut up" sniped Lister, before racing off down the corridor, closely followed by the others.

The airlock door loomed into view, and for a second or two it looked as if they were going to make it.

But then a large group of G.E.L.F's turned a corner and blocked their escape. They looked from Toni to Lister in mild confusion.

What Lister did next could be blamed on: fear, unusually high levels of testosterone and sheer stupidity.

He grabbed Toni's gun from its holster and held it close to her head "drop your weapons!" he ordered

"Lister!" squealed Rimmer "what in smegs name are you doing?"

Lister ignored him, "you heard me" he shouted to the G.E.L.F's "drop your weapons or-" he pushed the gun closer to Toni's head, he leaned forward and whispered in her ear "work with me here, babe"

"Do what he says you fools!" she screamed "or he'll kill me!" she then began to tremble inhis arms.

The G.E.L.F's hesistated, holding their weapons awkwardly in their hands,

"Suit yourselves then" said Lister casually; he clicked the gun making Toni shudder, for real this time.

There was a collective clanging sound as all of the G.E.L.F's dropped their weapons to the floor and raised their hands in the air.

"Good…now, on the floor" ordered Lister.

He was actually quite good at this macho lark; he could have become a policeman if he'd wanted…problem was, it was too much work…. Not his thing!

The G.E.L.F's glanced at each other, "NOW!" shouted Lister, making them dive to the floor.

Cat meanwhile, was not impressed. He was firstly miffed at the fact that Lister had been having nookie. He was further displeased at his own distinct lack of nookie. Throw a lack of stylish clothes into the equation and Cat was close to a breakdown.

And now Lister was stood with a gun against the pretty girls head! Cat just couldn't understand that, he thought Lister liked her…

He sneered and crossed his arms. Humans were so complicated!

Lister tighted his grip on the gun, "Anyone move and she gets it!"

Rimmer rolled his eyes "Give him a gun and he thinks he's James smeggin' Bond!"

Lister gave a Toni a little push forward and nodded to the airlock at the end of the corridor, "Stay exactly where you are!" he said to the G.E.L.F's, as he made his way through the cluster of bodies. He turned back to the others "coming or not?" he asked, waving the gun at them by accident.

"Don't point that bloody thing at me you raving lunatic!" screamed Rimmer, diving behind Kryten. A rather stupid and embarrassing thing to do as being a hologram a bullet would sail straight thorough him.

"Put it away, grease stain!" growled the Cat "Bullets, with this suit? Are you _crazy_?"

Lister gave an apologetic grin before continuing to make his way to the air lock. Once they were all safely inside the docking bays, the airlock door was shut and locked and the Dwarfers clambered aboard Starbug.

Lister took to the pilots seat as Cat raced off to change into his spare suit, kept onboard for emergences such as spillages or clashing.

Toni hovered around in the background, not really knowing what to do. The hologram kept giving her dirty looks, and it was begging to scare her.

Starbug sailed through the docking bay doors into the vast black of space. Lister sighed wearily and turned to face the others "that went well didn't it…"

Rimmer and Kryten glared back at him.

"What?" asked Lister.


	9. Freedom

**A/N:** YAY! My exams are over! I never have to go back to that squalid hellhole again (I'm talking about my school here, as you can see I hold a very high opinion of it…NOT!). I'm free…FREE…FREE AS A BIRD! I apologies for being so hyper, but this may very well be the best day of my life. Oh and has anyone been watching Corrie? I watched it last night, and Craig wasn't in it! I then screamed and shouted at my TV. I sit there, waiting for Craig to come on…and he doesn't! Oh dear, I'm getting sidetracked.

Anyway…this chapter…not much to say really, it was a little bugger to write at but it got easier as it went on (like dental work) and it turned out okay. Again, apologies for spelling mistakes, I'm a hopeless typer and an ever more hopeless speller…combine the two and I'm completely and utterly hopeless! So I hope you won't be offended or irritated by it!

I'd better shut up now, cos this is a long A/N. BIG BIG BIG Thanks you's to those who've reviewed! Huggles to all of you!

**Sunrise over the Tango factory.**

* * *

If there was one thing Rimmer was good at, it was nagging. In fact, he was so good, that if there was ever a contest for who was the 'universes greatest nagger', Rimmer would win hands down.

It being the only thing he wasgood at (apart from failing exams and being cowardly) Rimmer took great pride in his nagging, and poured a whole lot of effort into it.

He was actually rather intimating in 'full on rant' mode. He'd sat Lister in a chair and paced in front of him, arms folded behind his back, head held high all to further emphasise his annoyance.

He was like some highly-strung barrister in the midst of prosecuting. Occasionally he would fire points at you, trying to slip you up. And if you said something he found you said particularly interesting or funny, he'd turn to an invisible jury and repeat it, laughing.

It was times like this that made Lister think Rimmer was a few highlights short of a boy band. Not that he could tell Rimmer this, the hologram was too busy yelling. So all Lister could do was sit there, be bored and hope to God that Rimmer would come down with a particually bad bout of laryngitis.

He didn't.

"Did you ever stop to think for even a _nanosecond_ what would happen if your plan didn't work?" Rimmer asked, managing to sneer at the same time as talking.

"No" muttered Lister, turning away

"I didn't quite hear that!" said Rimmer, leaning in and pointing to his ear in an irritating fashion.

Lister rolled his eyes and said, half shouting "NO, I DID NOT THINK ABOUT WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF MY PLAN DIDN'T WORK!" he then glared at the hologram,

"I thought not!" sniffed Rimmer, he paused for a second, leading Lister to think that he'd shut up "You never think about anyone but yourself!"

"No I don't!" retorted Lister, "I rescued you as well…why I will never know…I should have left you in that smeggin' cell…done us all a favour!"

Rimmer chose to ignore this, there were more pressing matters at hand. "I'm not saying I'm not grateful that we escaped…another day in there and I would have gnawed my own leg off through boredom and insanity…but why…_why_ in the name of all that is holy did you bring a murderous, destructive, killing machine with you!"

"Her names Toni!"

"Oh it has a name now does it," sniped Rimmer, "Funny, I didn't think you were supposed to name weapons of mass destruction!"

"Rimmer" said Lister, with forced calmness "Do me a favour…find whatever is shoved up your arse, remove it and get off my case!"

"I'll have you know there is nothing shoved up my arse!" shouted Rimmer, turning red "and no I will not get off your case, because this is perhaps the most stupid, immature, ill thought out stunt you've ever pulled in your entire life…and you've done some pretty stupid things in your time!"

"Why d'you think this whole situation is a complete disaster?" asked Lister "Don't you get it, Toni's female…or hadn't you noticed?

"I had" piped up the Cat from the cockpit,

"Stay out of this, Felix!" snapped Rimmer, he turned back to Lister "And for your information, yes I had noticed Toni was a woman. But I fail to see how that makes this whole mess any better!"

"Rimmer, do I really have to explain the birds and the bees to you?" asked Lister, struggling not to smirk.

Rimmer's face remained cold and expressionless; he blinked at Lister before saying, "are you seriously suggesting that you and Toni repopulate the universe!"

Lister grinned and nodded "we'd need a _lot_ of practice first, but I reckon we could do it!"

"Great!" said Rimmer, after a short pause "Sen-smegin-sational. We'll recreate the human race with the offspring of a lager lout and a killing machine! Perfect! Oh what a happy happy world it will be!" he sang sarcastically.

"How can you be so negative about everything!" asked Lister, frowning at him.

"It's a gift!"

"Sounds like a curse to me," grinned the Cat, determined to have the last word.

* * *

Toni sat in her new bunk; he knees drew up to her chest as she took in her surroundings.

Everything was so different.

She'd lived on the G.E.L.F ship all her life; she knew every corridor, every room, and every set of stairs. Every detail about that ship, no matter how miniscule, had been etched on her brain.

Boring wasn't the word to describe her life.

It was monotonous. More than monotonous…it was monotonously monotonous!

Every day the same. Never changing. No variety. No excitement.

It was easy to see why she longed for something more.

As a child, she was branded a troublemaker. She possessed an inquisitive mind and would, always without fail, ask questions.

The elder G.E.L.F's didn't like this. To ask questions was to disobey orders. Toni remembered sullenly all the times she'd been clipped on the side of the head for merely asking something.

At the age of 13 she decided on 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!. Yes, she'd follow orders, but what went on inside her own head was Toni's business. So she carried on with her life (if it could be called that), and it remained the same as it always had been.

Boring.

That was until Lister turned up.

Toni smiled as she remembered chasing him down the darkened corridor. It had been the first piece of action she's seen in nearly 5 years and she was desperate for a bit of exhilaration.

She felt her pulse quicken as she laid eyes on him for the first time. She'd gotten used to everything looking the same. The G.E.L.F's were all of similar build and appearance and the regulation uniform they wore only added to the similarity.

But Lister looked so different that it unnerved Toni for a brief second. He spoke different too, with an accent she'd never heard before. It sent shivers down her spine and when he looked directly into her eyes, Toni felt something she'd never experienced before. It made her feel as if everything was going to be okay from now on.

Lister was exciting; he had a dangerous quality about him. Toin had never met a person like him before and she liked that!

He gave her something to look forward to and, perhaps, gave her something she will treasure all of her life.

Freedom.

Toni sighed and fell back onto the pillows. This was all going to take some getting used to, but as someone once said 'Life is a game – play it!'

And that was exactly what Toni was going to do.


	10. Adjusting

**A/N:** Before we proceed with this chapter, I've got to thank Rage and Smegginitlarge (this is becoming a regular occurrence, huh?) because they have given me loads and loads of help with this chapter, even to the point where they were giving me the material to write! They are stars the both of them, terrific writers, fun people and they somehow manage to put up with me on MSN…a skill few possess! Also, big thanks to all reviewers! I love you all! blows kisses

On with the chapter!  
Enjoy

**Sunny**

* * *

At precisely 6 am, Toni sat bolt upright in bed, leapt out from beneath her covers and went to grab her uniform off the nearby chair. 

She started at the lack of chair. Looking down she realised she was already dressed. It took a few seconds for her to remember where she was.

She was no longer on her G.E.L.F ship; she was on Red Dwarf with Lister.

Toni fidgeted nervously in the centre of the room as she contemplated what to do. In the end, she opted to go and find Lister.

Her room was right next door to his and Rimmer's, so she crept into the corridor, scared she'd wake someone, and gently tapped on their door.

Lister, needless to say, slept right through it. Rimmer however was jerked awake by Toni's knocking. He was a light sleeper, something which he blamed on his brothers. John, Frank and Howard favoured playing pranks on Rimmer whilst he slept. This had led to him waking at any noise, no matter how small, thinking it was his brothers coming to give him a leg wax with extra strong duct tape.

He lay and waited to see if the knocking would stop.

It didn't.

In fact it got slightly louder, but still Lister's sleep went undisturbed. Rimmer grumbled quietly to himself as he stumbled sleepily to the door, which opened as he approached.

Toni jumped back slightly upon seeing a rather pissed off Rimmer. She opened her mouth to garble her apologies but he simply shouted "Lister…your horny, sadistic, murderous G.E.L.F tart is here!"

From the top bunk Lister groaned and rolled over, muttering "I don't wanna go school today…" as he buried his head under the pillow.

Rimmer gave Toni a pitying look "You'll have to wake him up…I did try"

Toni nodded and walked over to Lister's bunk; in one swift movement she yanked the bedcovers out of his arms, leaving him defenceless against the cold. This immediately jerked him from his slumber; as to be woken up by someone else is always interesting and slightly disturbing, especially if it's all very sudden.

He blinked til his eyes had come into focus; he saw Toni stood at the side of the bunk, a wicked grin on her face as she held the covers in her hands.

"What d'you do that for?" he mumbled groggily, rubbing his tired eyes.

"I needed to wake you up…" said Toni very matter-of-factly.

"Yeah but you shouldn't have just whipped the covers off…I might not have had pants on!" said Lister, still half asleep.

There came a voice form the bunk below "Please don't give me graphic images this early in the morning!" moaned Rimmer, settling down to go back to sleep.

Lister waved the two-fingered salute vaguely in the holograms direction before turning to Toni. "What's the matter?" he asked "why you up so early?"

"Early" frowned Toni "I always get up at this time!"

Lister's jaw dropped "You get up at 6 every day!"

Toni nodded, Lister sighed before yawning, it was probably a G.E.L.F thing. "We'll talk about this in the morning" he said, flopping back on his bunk "Night"

Despite the fact he was unbelievably tired, he couldn't sleep. He got the feeling he was being watched. He turned over and saw Toni staring back at him, drumming her fingers on the bunk in an irritated way.

"Oh alright…" he groaned, realising she wouldn't let him sleep, "what is it?"

She smiled "Know anywhere I can get some clothes?"

* * *

Lister was nursing a strong black coffee as he and Toni walked down the habitation deck corridors.

"Here it is," he said, nodding the door in front of them.

Kristine Kochanski's quarters.

Lister had no reservations about striding in, but Toni hung back at the doorway.

"Come in" said Lister, opening up the wardrobe.

"But its someone else's room" said Toni, trying to hide the nervousness in her voice "Won't they mind?"

"Nah" dismissed Lister, rifling through the line of clothes, he paused thoughtfully "You and Kris look about the same size…" he turned round and allowed his eyes to travel up and down Toni's body, taking in her curves "so you should find something here"

Toni gave a shy smile and began to look through the wardrobe, whilst Lister wandered about the room, picking up pieces of jewellery and other discarded items, turning them over in his hands before placing them back down carefully.

He'd lost count of the number of times he'd come in here to mope about in self-pity. It was stupid really, Kochanski was dead and she wasn't in love with him, so why did he even bother dreaming of what could never possibly be.

He heard Toni cough behind him, he turned round and his heart skipped a beat.

She was wearing a blood red strapless dress. It glided smoothly across her curves and made her look like sex on legs.

But that dress!

Kochanski had worn it on her and Lister's first date.

In front of Lister's eyes Toni morphed into Kochanski, smiling that pinball smile. He hastily turned away.

"D'you like it?" Toni asked, looking at herself in the mirror. The reflection shocked her…she looked so feminine…sexy even. Clothes had never made her look that way before.

"yeah" replied Lister quickly. His voice sounded weird, not sincere at all. It sounded as if he was lying when in actual fact he was just very very shocked, and the shock had somehow affected his voice box.

Toni looked towards Lister, he stood with his back to her. "So…you really do like it?" she asked, nervously twisting the hem of the dress.

"Yeah" said Lister; again his voice sounding so false "You look very…erm…nice!"

"Then why can't you look me in the eye?"

Lister sighed, he turned to see Toni on the verge of tears "I'll level with you here…that dress…it was worn by my ex-girlfriend on our first date, and I'm still kinda hung up about it. And it came as a bit of a shock…to see you standing in her dress…looking so gorgeous!"

Toni's lips twitched into a small smile, "I'll take the dress off," she said, reaching behind her back to undo the zip.

"No, You don't have to do that," said Lister, but Toni had already slid it off her breasts and was tugging it downwards.

"Well…if you insist," said Lister, not wanting to offend. He smiled at Toni and took her into his arms.

"Did you love her?" asked Toni suddenly,

Lister bit his lip as he thought of what to say "I did…problem was she didn't love me back" he sighed "but none of that matters now!"

"Why?" asked Toni, leaning her head on his shoulder

"Because I love you..."


	11. Cards

**A/N:** I'm at a loss of what to say…oh wait! I watched Red Dwarf the other day ON A PLASMA TV…for those of you who are going "huh, big deal!", let me explain…Lister's face 2 foot high…it was amazing! Also, I'm smegged off at corrie…no sign of Craig since last Mondays episodes…it's not fair…I don't give a stuff about anyone else…anyway, I wrote a polite yet incredibly pissed off e-mail to ITV, as did smegginitlarge…she got a reply! They said they've not forgotten about him and he will be in future episodes…oh well...i suppose I'll just have to wait!

Oh god, I've waffled on again…sorry…erm, okay THANK YOU to all reviewers! You don't know how happy you make me when you review! YOU ROCK!

* * *

It took a while for Toni to adjust to life on board Red Dwarf. The habits of her old life were hard to shake off.

For the first 2 weeks she'd wake up at 6 am and then go and wake Lister (also waking Rimmer in the process).

Lister, had at first, put up with it and would get up with her, but he quickly realised that he wasn't a morning person. He'd find himself nodding off during the course of the day…not good if you were driving Starbug at the time!

It was made worse by the fact Toni was such an energetic person. She wanted to explore Red Dwarf and would race off down corridors, slide down stair banisters,clamber up onto the gantries…and Lister would be forced to chase after her.

So the next day when Toni came a knocking at 6 am, he took her by the wrist and led her back to bed, begging her to go back the sleep.

Toni would oblige for about half an hour, then grow bored and wake him up again.

This continued for several days, each time Lister would simply put Toni back to bed, hoping she'd soon settle into a routine.

After tucking Toni back into bed for what seemed like the hunredth time, he came stumbling into his quarters, yawning and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

Rimmer waited til Lister had climbed into bed "how long is she going to keep this up for?" he asked angrily

"I've no idea…" groaned Lister "This is worse than raisin'kids! At least with kids you know they'll grow out of it! Toni's been brought up like this…who knows how long it'll take to set her straight…"

"It'd better not take long!" snapped Rimmer "otherwise I'm slipping extra strength sleeping pills into her drinks…"

"You'll have to beat me to it" sighed Lister, turning over to embrace the blissful comfort of sleep.

The next morning Lister found himself waking up at 5:59, he groaned and clumsily rolled out his bunk,

"Toni-" he began as he opened the door. It took a few seconds for his sleep-deprived brain to register what was missing.

The corridor was empty. Toni was nowhere in sight.

Lister began to worry.

Why had Toni not come to wake him?

Had something bad happened in the night?

He walked to her door, and gently rapped his knuckles on it "Toni" he whispered.

Upon hearing no answer he began to panic, he hit the panel at the side of the door and cautiously leaned into the room.

She was still in bed, fast asleep. He leant against the doorframe and smiled to himself, mostly out of relief.

He just stood and watched her for a few minutes; he watched her smile and wondered if it were him she was dreaming of.

Lister tiptoed over to her bunk and lay down beside her. It had been a long time since he'd been in bed with a woman; he missed the warmth of their body against his. He missed the way; they'd lie in each other's arms.

But now he had Toni, he smiled and closed his eyes, just as Toni opened hers. She smiled as she saw Lister, and placed a feather light kiss on his lips before lying back down and going to sleep.

* * *

Toni and Lister's relationship went from strength to strength after they were both getting 8 hours sleep. She wanted to catch up on all the things she had missed over the years, and one of those things was poker.

Lister was teaching her how to play cards; it was hard given that Toni hadn't even seen a pack of cards before. She wasn't very good at it and kept getting muddled up with all the rules.

It was then suggested (rather too enthusiastically) by the Cat and Rimmer that they should play strip poker. As Toni was so utterly hopeless she'd most probably end up being scantily clad five minutes into the game.

Well, that was the idea…

After eight straight games of strip poker, the Cat and Rimmer realised there was a fatal flaw in their otherwise perfect plan.

"We're doing something wrong here buddy!" moaned the Cat, feverishly rubbing his bare arms to keep the goose bumps at bay.

Rimmer nodded solemnly and the pair glanced across at Toni, who grinned at them.

She was sat wearing Lister's t-shirt, jacket and hat, Cat's shirt and trousers. Rimmer's hologramatic clothes were folded neatly on the table in front of her along with a collection of watches, keys and other accessories.

Magically, Toni had a knack for playing poker and was currently wiping the floor with each of the lads.

"Your bet Rimmsy" she smiled, winding Cat's silk tie round her slender fingers, "you haven't got a lot to bet have you?"

Rimmer blushed, he was completely naked apart from one socks and a 'censored' box that Holly had supplied to cover Rimmer's modesty.

"I'd give up if I were you, mate." said Lister, fighting the urge to smirk "Unless you're willing to bet your 'H', you're screwed!"

"No, I will not give up!" snapped Rimmer, "Because Rimmer's never give up!"

"Mmm" agreed Lister, taking a swig from his can of lager "And you've got the 13 failed astronavigation exams to prove it!"

Rimmer scowled "Big words coming from a man who's sat in his boxers!"

"Big words coming from a man who's only got a 'censored' box covering his bits…" Lister grinned, "Hol, turn the box off will you!"

"Holly don't you dare!" screamed Rimmer,

"I don't know why you're getting so worked up about it…" said Holly "It's not like you've got anything I haven't seen before!" she bit her lip as a blush crept across her cheeks, realising she'd said too much.

The crew looked at her with intrigue "Excuse me" she mumbled "I've got to take the dog for a walk!" and she quickly disappeared off the screen.

"Are we playing then or what?" asked Toni after a short pause,

Cat and Rimmer exchanged horrified looks. They'd already been embarrassed enough tonight, and neither of them felt like sitting half naked (or nearly fully naked in Rimmer's case) for the next hour.

"It's late…" said Rimmer, he faked a yawn "I'm gonna fall asleep any minute now…I think we should call it a night!"

"Yeah" agreed the Cat "And she keeps winning…as gorgeous as my naked body is, I don't want to catch a cold…a runny nose is not this seasons must have!"

The pair quickly grabbed their clothes and ran, leaving Lister and Toni alone.

"Sore losers!" muttered Toni throwing down her cards,

"Can you blame them?" laughed Lister "they came in here expecting to spend all of the night watching you in your underwear…or even less if they were lucky…they weren't expecting it to be the other way round!"

Toni sighed and slipped onto Lister's lap "so…what d'you want to do now?" she asked,

"Well…we could always…" he said suggestively, stroking her face

"Again!" exclaimed Toni "The things you do to me…they tire me out…"

"You know you love it!" teased Lister, leaning in for a kiss,

"Yes I do…and if you want it…you'll have to chase me for it!" she gave a quick grin before running from the room, laughing.

Lister sat for a second, before realising he duped, "Toni, cheater! You had a head start!" he yelled running after her.


	12. A fairly long conversation

**A/N:** Disclaimer (I forget to do these things at the begging) NOT MINE! I wish it was, but we can't always get what we want in life can we? Zombie Kitty, Craig was not in Corrie on Wednesday. I am still very traumatised by this and as mentioned in the previous chapter, wrote an e-mail to ITV. Okay, big thanks you's to all reviewers! I love you all so much! Hugs for each of you!

* * *

"Babe?" asked Lister, coming into his quarters looking for Toni. He found her sat cross-legged on Rimmer's bunk, her head propped up by her hand whilst she nodded 

at an item in front of her.

Lister opened his mouth to ask what on earth she was doing, but she beat him to it.

"Sssh" she ordered, flapping her free hand at Lister "the remotes having a breakdown!"

Not surprisingly, Lister was rather confused and shocked by this statement, his eyebrows rocketed upwards and his mouth opened slightly making him look very vacant. Shaking his head to salvage what was left of his sanity, Lister laughed, "sorry, for a second there I thought you said the remote was havin' a breakdown…"

Toni fixed him with one of her gazes. The type of gaze that made Lister forget what he was going to say next and sometimes, depending on how long he was subjected to the gaze, made him forgot his own name.

"I did," said Toni

Lister grimaced slightly, "Toni, honey?" he asked quietly "are you feeling okay?" he sat beside her and put his palm on her forehead, presumably checking for a temperature, "you haven't eaten anything strange have you?"

"I'm fine," said Toni, resisting the urge to giggle at Lister's uncanny resemblance to Kryten in 'mother hen' mode.

"Babe" said Lister, looking her in the eye "you've just said the vid screen remote is havin' a break down!"

"But it is" she protested

"Toni, listen to me," Said Lister raising his voice in the hope it'd help her to see sense

"It's a smeggin' remote! Just a lump of plastic and wires" the further emphasise his point he plucked the remote off the bed and waved it at her,

"DON'T TOUCH IT!" screamed Toni, Lister immediately did as he was told and dropped the remote back onto the bed.

"Mind if I ask why?" He said, watching his girlfriend warily,

"It doesn't like to be touched, you were invading its personal space" she smiled reassuringly "it has issues with physical contact…"

"And erm…it 'told' you this did it?" asked Lister, secretly wondering if his girlfriend had finally flipped.

"Yeah"

There was a pause before Lister yelled "KRYTEN!" he raced over to the door and stuck his head out into the corridor "Krytes, I need your help in here, man!"

"It's okay," said Toni, "I can handle the remotes breakdown by myself, there's no need to bother Kryten"

Lister dragged a hand down his face "Toni, I don't think it's the remote havin' the break down I think it's you…"

"Me?" she repeated before laughing, "Why would you think that?"

"You just said the remote was _talking_ to you!" wailed Lister; miserably "You cannot talk to electrical appliances!"

"But I can" said Toni.

Lister gave a whimper and banged his head against the door frame "First girl I meet in 3 million years and she thinks she's the Doctor Dolittle of Dixons…" he turned back to face Toni, who stared back at him, a deadly serious look upon her face. It took a few seconds for the penny to drop. "You're tellin' the truth, aren't you?"

Toni nodded.

"How?" asked Lister feebly, as he made his way back to where Toni sat, somewhat wobbly.

"My great, great, great, great grandfather was a special breed of G.E.L.F. Still designed to capture POWs but he was built with the ability to interpret the signals given off by anything with an electrical current. It came in handy when trying to obtain information from enemies' computers, it was far simpler asking the computer for a certain file than hacking your way through hordes of junk. This trait has been passed down the generations"

"Why didn't you tell me?" said Lister,

"It never cropped up in conversation…" replied Toni.

Suddenly, Lister felt like he was going to faint, he put his head in his hands in a vain attempt to stop the room from spinning. "Great" he said sarcastically "I've got a girlfriend who can talk to batteries…"

"Oh no" said Toni "I don't talk to batteries."

"Any particular reason why?"

"They talk crap," said Toni simply.

Lister sighed, mostly out of confusion the anything else. "I dunno, Toni…just when I think I know everything about you…you go and spring summat like this on me!" he paused "can you really talk to electrical equipment?"

Toni nodded "I'm quite fluent" she grinned

"Can you show me" asked Lister, his eyes wandering about the room searching for something Toni could converse with "Talk to the TV…"

A tiny gasp escaped Toni's lips "I can't talk to the TV" she hissed,

"Why not?" frowned Lister.

Toni leant forwards and whispered in his ear "Between you and me, it has access to a variety of porn channels and that's made it a bit…dirty minded!"

"Okay" said Lister quickly "erm, what about the Hi-Fi?" he suggested, not exactly ecstatic at the prospect of a perverted TV talking to his girlfriend.

A blush crept across Toni's pale face whilst her mouth twitched into an involuntary smile.

"What?" asked Lister, not really sure if he wanted to receive an answer.

Toni raised her head to look at him "The Hi-Fi's a terrible flirt…"

It was at that point the room began to spin again, forcing Lister to snap his eyes shut.

"Lister?" asked Toni "are you alright…you look peaky!"

Lister laughed "Oh, I'm fine for a guy who's got a vulgar TV, a flirtatious Hi-Fi and lets not forgot the remote that's havin' a break down!" he rubbed his eyes before standing up "If it's alright with you, I'm gonna go take a walk…try and clear my head" He gave Toni an apologetic smile before walking to the door.

"I had an interesting conversation with the VCR earlier" she paused and grinned wickedly "About you and some dirty videos…"

Lister spun round and began gabbling his defence "before you continue, I'd like to point out the VCR is broke so anything it's said or will say to you is complete crap. It's all lies, so you can pay no attention to it, because it's not true- not a word of it…it's lying, I swear! Because I'd never-"

"Lister" said Toni; serenely "You're digging yourself deeper and deeper into a hole…I suggest you stop before you can't get out of it!" she smiled, and got off the bunk, careful not to accidentally invade the remotes personal space, and held his hand "Please, don't be too freaked out…"

"Too late" he muttered, still embarrassed from the 'dirty video' bit.

Toni laughed before kissing him, "Nothing will change…just think of it like me knowing French or German,"

"Okay, okay," sighed Lister, returning the kiss. Once they'd broke apart, the couple looked at each other for a second or two before launching in for a repeat performance.

Soon clothes were being torn off, belts whipped undone, t-shirts tugged from each other's bodies, and before Lister and Toni knew what they were doing, they were in bed for the fifth time that day.

Rimmer was incredibly annoyed at the fact his door was locked. He leapt immediately to the conclusion that Lister had something to do with this,

"Lister" he shouted at the top of his lungs "Open this door this instant!"

The door remained closed.

"Fine" Rimmer muttered to himself "I'll play it your way" he cleared his voice and yelled "LISTER, YOU NO-BRAINED, JUMPED UP LITTLE GIT. OPEN THIS DOOR IMMEDTIALTY OR…I'LL GET REALLY MAD!"

He paused for dramatic effect, "DID YOU HEAR ME?" he hollered "OPEN.THIS.DOOR!"

This time the door slid open, revealing a very angry looking Lister, he was wearing a bathrobe that had obviously been quickly shoved on.

Rimmer moved his head to the left so he could see over Lister's shoulder, Toni was lay in bed, the covers covering her pale body, but she was obviously naked.

Every pigment of colour drained from Rimmer's face and dipped into his boots before it shot right back again, but this time making his face glow as red as the coils of wire inside a toaster.

A hideously awkward silence occurred, before Rimmer coughed "Oh…mmm…erm, very good…carry on!" and with that he ran.

* * *

A/N (yes another one): Please, please, please do not ask me where the whole 'Toni talking to electrical equipment' came from. I wrote that particular bit at around chapter 3. It was only supposed to be a little joke, but well...nearly a thousand words later it grew into a whole chapter. If any of you are wondering why I wrote about someone talking to electronic things, well...it was late at night, and it was one of those times when you go 'Oh yeah, that's a great idea', you quickly jot it down and when you read it back in the morning you go 'AGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH WTF WAS I THINKING?'. This happened to me, so I begged for the opinion of smegginitlarge and Rage, who assured me it wasn't crap...they are rather fantastic liars I think you'll agree. Also, the idea of talking to electronic equipment may have been influence by the relationship I share with my DVD player (not that way you sicko!), which usually involves violence as I enjoys turning green at any given time...so I'm forced to hit it and scream insults at it's stupid face...if it had one!

Reads back over what she wrote God, when did I write all that! Sorry for rambling on again. Review please. Thank you!


	13. We're not having a good day

**A/N:** It was my prom last Thursday, It went well, the lad I like got voted Most Fanciable Male…mainly because I went round and changed everyone's votes. I often wonder if anyone from my school reads my stories, it would be weird if they did. For all I know they could be reviewing…and I don't know who they are and they don't know who I am…if that makes any sense! Also, I'm sorry for slipping in a history related joke in his chapter. If you don't know who General Haig is or what his claim to fame was, he was a very stupid General who's insolence resulted in hundreds and hundreds of deaths during the battle of the Somme. My history teacher would be so proud…. anyway, thanks to all reviewers, you didn't seem too creeped out at the talking to electrical equipment bits…enjoy! Review! Wash your socks! Don't eat yellow snow!

**Sunrise**  
XXXX

* * *

It wasn't long before Toni was accepted as a member of the Red Dwarf posse. 

Even Rimmer took a liking to her once he found out she had an interest in anything military. The pair would often be found discussing war strategies and tactics, Toni naming a few she'd been taught.Toni got on perfectly well with Cat, although she did have reservations about his shameless flirting techniques, his favourite being "You're sexy…but I'm sexier, fancy a quickie?"

One particular day, Toni and Lister were cuddled up on his bunk watching a film, Rimmer, with help from one oftheskutters, was organising his collection of 20th century telegraph poles, whilst Kryten was folding laundry in the corner.

It was at that point that Cat came sauntering into the room with his usual grace, shophisitication and debonair.

"What's happening, buds?" he asked, finishing off his dramatic entrance with a spin.

"Nuthin'" replied Lister, hardly taking notice of the Cat's flamboyant gestures.

"Nuthin" however was far from correct. At that moment between Cat's suave winks at Toni and over enthusiastic hip thrusts towards the mirror, two grade 5 atom pressed missiles had been launched at the posse's beloved, Red Dwarf.

**Impact in 10 seconds.**

Cat shrugged and decided to stick around and watch a bit of the movie seeing as he was ahead of his preening schedule. He still had 18 minutes til his next shower.

It always amazed Lister how everyone always ended up in the same room. The Dwarf was a huge ship with millions of rooms, yet everyone preferred to hang out together in the same space.

**Impact in 5 seconds.**

Toni however loved this. To her, the posse was her family and back on her G.E.L.F ship there were no families as such.

You were colleagues and that was that. You weren't even particularly friendly with your family; they were just two people who came together for the sole purpose of breeding. Granted they'd look out for you, make sure you didn't come to any harm but if you were looking for affection of any sort, you were best off talking to the wall.

So the Dwarfers carried on with what they were doing (which by anyone's standards was very little), blissfully unaware that the two missiles were silently hurtling towards the right side of Red Dwarf.

**Impact in 3 seconds.**

**Two.**

**One.**

**Target acquired.**

With Red Dwarf being such a big ship, and with Lister and others being on the left side of the ship, they hardly felt the force of the missiles. But a ship cannot withstand being hit with missiles without something malfunctioning, and within seconds the Dwarfers found themselves plunged into darkness.

"What happened?" asked Lister, sitting upright,

"I think," said Rimmer "and don't hold me to this, but I think…the lights have gone out!" he said sarcastically.

"Nobody likes a smart-arse, Rimmer," snapped Lister, jumping down from his bunk

"Yes and nobody likes someone who asks stupid questions" retorted Rimmer, "Oh my, one minute we're all sat here under the lovely lighting the next thing everything's all dark…hmm…could it possibly be that the lights have gone out!"

"I meant what happened for the lights to go off, actually_ Rimmer_"

"Sirs" interjected Kryten "I suggest we see if Holly is still online. If she too isn't working, we may have bigger troubles on our hands then a faulty light bulb!"

"Hol?" asked Lister, "Holly, you there?"

"How do dudes!" cooed Holly as she appeared on the screen, she gazed around her in mild confusion "Blimey…it's a bit dark in here, someone put the light on!"

"We would," replied Rimmer icily "but they appear to be broken!"

"Broken?" replied Holly, frowning "who did that then?"

Rimmer dragged his hands down his face and muttered profanities, so Lister stepped in. "We don't know what did it, Hol. The lights just went out, we we're hoping you'd be able to tell us…"

"So they just went out did they…lemme check the rest of the ship" with a blip she was gone whilst the Dwarfers stood and waited in the gloom.

"Oh dear" said Holly in a small voice as she came back,

"What?" they all asked in unison.

"We're not having a very good day…" sighed Holly "the lights have gone and two missiles have just hit the right side of the ship…" she pouted as a thought struck her "d'you think there's a connection?"

"Two missiles!" squeaked Rimmer "why would anyone fire two missiles at the 'Dwarf?"

"They probably knew you were onboard" hissed the Cat from somewhere behind him "But they might have had the common decency to wait til we'd all left the ship!"

"When the lights come back on I am going to give you the most scary looking scowl you have ever seen in your life" threatened Rimmer "and don't say I didn't warn you…"

"Ooohh" mocked the Cat "I'm shaking in my Cuban heels!"

"Will you two shut up!" snapped Lister "I've Ibiza Holiday reps that are better behaved then you…" he paused and realised he'd just been the voice of reason in an argument. Weird. "Holly, what fired the missiles?"

Holly looked up and gave an apologetic smile "just a mo" she sang, as she disappeared off screen "A G.E.L.F ship" she said gravely upon returning.

Toni felt Lister slip his arm round her waist; she smiled vaguely in his direction for the reassuring gesture.

"What kind of G.E.L.F ship?" asked Rimmer, more than a little nervously "A friendly one?" he added hopefully

"Sir" piped up Kryten "They fired two missiles at us, hardly something I'd describe as friendly…"

"Hang about" said Holly "I've seen that ship before" she turned her head slightly to one side as she tried to recall where and when she'd seen the G.E.L.F ship "I've got it! It's the G.E.L.F ship we kidnapped Toni from,

"I wasn't kidnapped…" corrected Toni "It just looked that way!"

"They must have fixed their engines," said Kryten "Followed Starbugs vapour trail and camelooking for Toni-"

"And they've shot missiles at the ship…" finished Rimmer, feeling the bottom of his stomach fall away leaving a deep black hole of worry.

An apprehensive silence descended upon the Dwarfers, before Toni spoke up. "Lister, I understand you're a little scared, but can you please stop touching my breasts…"

"Toni, I'm over here" came Lister's voice, "I can't possibly be touching your breasts."

"Then…who is?"

"It's not me," said Lister, "It can't be Rimmer cos he can't touch anything, Kryten wouldn't do something like that so that leaves…CAT!"

There was the sound of the door 'swooshing' open "See you later Buddies," grinned the Cat as he made a hasty exit.

Lister went to chase after him, but tipped over a chair and crashed to the floor, but nonetheless he crawled to the door "Cat!" he yelled down the corridor at the departing moggy "I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

"Why bother," said Rimmer "The missiles might do that for you…"

"What are we going to do?" asked Toni,

"Dunno," replied Lister, clambering to their feet "Let 'em keep firing at us til they get bored"

Rimmer laughed "Fantastic plan, Listy. You've got the brains and military intellect to rival General Haig!"

"The missiles can't do that much damage can they?" he reasoned "I mean the 'Dwarf is massive, it'd be like trying to damage a tank with a twig…"

"Perhaps" agreed Rimmer "but what if one the missiles hit something vital, the oxy generation units for example…"

Another worried silence occurred as they all tried to think of a solution.

"I've got an idea" said Toni, making everyone jump,

"Well?" demanded Rimmer

"Lister, can I have a word outside…" she asked feeling her way towards the door, leaving Rimmer, Kryten and Holly alone to wait and worry.


	14. I've got a plan

**A/N:** Zombie Kitty, I've been thinking a lot about what you said, about how Cat should have been able to smell the missiles and I think I've got an explanation. Cat's nose did not smell the missiles because firstly, they were fired at the right side of the ship whilst he was on the left side (and you gotta agree, that's a hell of a long way to smell); secondly there was lots of walls etc in the way meaning the smell would have to diffuse around them making the smell weaker (OHMYGOD, I'M TALKING CHEMISTRY IN MY FANFIC, SHOOT ME NOW!), and also there's a lot of smells on the dwarf which could overpower the smell of the missiles…to name one, Lister. And regarding the radar…no one was watching it and Holly, bless her, was having 'one of those days'. It's good that you get tetchy about details, always ask questions!

Reddwarfaddict, you were perhaps the only one who was disappointed at the lack of Lister torture, but it's understandable given how much pain and anguish you put the Dwarfers through in Quarantine 3. You were also upset that no one got hurt when the missiles hit…so, just for you, there's going to be physical pain in the next chapter (yes I know I said it'd be in this one, but it sort of didn't happen, but don't fret the whole of the next chapter will be devoted to pain…hope you enjoy)

Friggin' flapjacks, this is a bloody long A/N note to self, write shorter A/Ns. Thanks to all reviewers. I love you all sooooooooooooooooo much!

Oh and BasketweaverJesser thank you for not suing me…I'm very grateful. I'd like to read your fanfic, could you please tell me the link.

Thank you to all reviewers: Zombie Kitty, boogle, reddwarfaddict, smegginitlarge and Basketweaverjesser, you rock!

Sunrise

XXXX

Also, as a final note…big bummed builders in low cut Levi's have taken over my back garden…they claim to be building a conservatory…why wasn't I informed?

* * *

"What's the plan?" asked Lister, once they were outside.

Toni sighed, "I'm going to give myself up…" she crossed her arms and quickly averted her eyes to avoid looking directly at Lister, who froze "what?" he said in a hoarse whisper.

"G.E.L.F's are proud creatures, Lister" she explained "If the plan had worked and it looked like I'd just disappeared, we may have got away with it…. but because they think you kidnapped me, they're determined to get revenge…"

Lister shook his head slightly; he was in complete and utter disbelief. This couldn't be happening…this had to be a nightmare.

"If I go back now, I can persuade them that you're not worth wasting missiles on." she paused "It's the only way…if I don't go back, they'll keep on firingat the Dwarf til it's broken down into teeny tiny pieces and scattered around space like pieces of confetti at a wedding."

"There's got to be another way though," muttered Lister, placing a hand on the wall to steady himself

"There isn't" said Toni quietly, "This is the only option…"

Lister turned away from her and remained quiet. Toni let a few seconds tick by. She wanted him to face facts, say goodbye and let her go and save his life.

She was just about to go when he spoke up "Take one of the Blue Midgets, say you managed to escape by beating the crap out of your kidnapper…" he turned round and gave her a weak smile "they'll believe you…"

Toni wrapped her arms around his neck, and the pair stood in the dimly lit corridor, hoping that the embrace would never end.

But it had to.

She sighed, before looking deep into his eyes "I love you" she said simply. Lister managed to force a dry smile, but he felt like crying. The need to shed tears increased as Toni backed away, her hand was pulled away from Lister's yet her fingers were still held out towards him.

She gave him one last lingering look, before running towards the docking bay, tears cascading down her face, her heart torn in two.

Lister stood and waited til he could no longer hear her footsteps, he inhaled sharply to fight back the tears.

Why did he always loose women he loved so dearly. It had happened with Krissie and now with Toni.

He knew deep down he was doing the right thing. It was Toni wanted to do, and if he'd forbid her from going back, then he'd be just as bad as the G.E.L.F's, controlling every aspect of Toni's life, giving her orders and restricting her freedom.

But this didn't take the pain away.

He frowned, recalling Toni's last words to him…she said she loved him. That was the first time she'd said that too him, before now she'd just kissed him or smiled shyly but never uttered the 3 words he longed to hear.

Everything suddenly clicked into place, the reason why Lister lost the women he loved was because he sat back and let them leave. He never did anything to stop them going. He just accepted it.

But not this time. This time he wasn't going to let it happen. He opened the door to his quarters, "Guys, we've got to get to Starbug pronto!"

"Why?" asked Rimmer, more than a little annoyed at the lack of details

"I've got to get Toni back"

Rimmer and Kryten exchanged confused looks "We don't understand, sir" said the mechanoid.

"She's gone," said Lister agitatedly as he grabbed his jacket

"Gone" repeated Rimmer "Gone where?"

"She's gone back"

"To the G.E.L.F ship?" asked Kryten, "but what about her plan?"

"That was her plan," said Lister, walking out the door, a cue for the others to follow. "She was going to go back, say she'd managed to escape and persuade the G.E.L.Fs to cease fire" he paused as he spotted the Cat, slinking down the corridor "Cat, get in Starbug!"

"Don't kill me, buddy!" yowled the Cat, holding his hands up to shield his face "I'm too cute to die!"

"I'll kill you later but right now, we've got to go…"

* * *

The G.E.L.F troops waited outside the airlock til it was safe for them to enter, they surrounded Blue Midget, guns at the ready. They watched as the door to the craft opened and Toni jumped out.

She felt her heart sink as the dullness of the ship glared at her, nothing had changed and she guessed that went for life onboard as well.

"You escaped?" asked one of the G.E.L.F's, lowering his gun,

"Yes" she replied coldly, "There is no need to continue firing at the ship, they have nothing we need…" she went to walk off but someone grabbed her arm

"What about our honour?" snarled Geoffrey, "They kidnapped a G.E.L.F, made mockeries of your people…they deserve to die like the worthless scum they are!"

"They are merely pests," hissed Toni, wrenching her arm free of his grip "They are not worth our time..."

Geoffrey considered this for a second or two, his eyes narrowed in concentration "Call off the missile fire, set new co-ordinates." He barked as he stormed out of the landing bay.

The troop of G.E.L.Fs dispersed as they went back to their duties. Toni looked out of the viewport window, in the far distance she could still make out Red Dwarf, it's colour making it stand out stark against the darkness of space. Several seconds passed before she managed to drag herself away.

She was making her way towards her quarters when the tanoy cackled into life "An enemy craft has docked in the landing bay, all personnel to corridor 12 X. All personnel to corridor 12 X"

Toni felt her heart flutter, could it possible be Lister? She raced back down the maze of corridors, tearing up flights of stairs in her haste to get to corridor 12 X.

Inside Starbug, Rimmer was going mad, "Has your remaining brain cell finally expired? What you are about to do is suicidal…."

"It might be" remarked Lister, opening the doors "But it's something I've got to do…" and with that he walked calmly yet purposefully down the steps.

Rimmer turned to Kryten and Cat "He's flipped…he's finally flipped!"

"Whether he's in complete control of his mental state is not up for debate at this moment in time, all we can do if offer our support!" said Kryten as he followed Lister,

Rimmer's mouth dropped open "You're supporting him…you're going to support the stupid goit with this stupid idea of his that is completely stupid! Why?"

"It's either that or stay here and listen to you moan all day…. personally, I would never inflict that type of torture on my gorgeous ears" grinned the Cat, as he twirled out the door and sashayed down the steps.

Rimmer bounced on the balls his feet, sulking. "Fine" he muttered, "Don't listen to me…. I mean, I only know what to do for the best don't I…" he twitched, before racing after Cat and Kryten shouting, "Wait for me!"

* * *

Lister was shocked (and slightly scared) as he came face to face with dozens and dozens of G.E.L.F's upon turning a corner.

A moment of silence passed. No one moved, no one spoke, they just stared.

It was Geoffrey who spoke first, his cruel, cold voice echoing off the corridor walls. "Do you value your life so little that you feel the need to return, even after you kidnapped one of my comrades and affronted others?" he paused and stepped forward, casting a shadow over Lister "What business do you have here?"

"Toni" replied Lister, trying to ignore the G.E.L.F's inhuman height. "I want her to come back with me…"

Georffy raised an eyebrow; surprise flickered across his face before he sneered, "She escaped your capture once, what makes you think she won't do it again? Besides, it's her duty to stay here and to do her job!"

"What job?" laughed Lister "There's no wars man, you've been made redundant! She hasn't got a job" he pointed to a random G.E.L.F "he hasn't got a job, you haven't got a job! You are all officially jobless!"

"Lies" growled Geoffrey "All lies!"

By this time Kryten, Cat and Rimmer had caught up, they watched nervously as Lister argued it out with the tall G.E.L.F. They looked across to Toni for help, but all she could was shrug helplessly, not knowing what was going on herself.

"Toni is coming back with me" Lister yelled,

"What gives you the right to think you can take her?" smirked Geoffrey,

"I'm not gonna take her" said Lister, returning the smirk "You're gonna give her me!"

Collective whispers rippled through the crowd but Geoffrey silenced them with a fierce look, "And how will you achieve this, _human_?"

Lister stared him straight in the eye "I'm gonna fight you for her…"


	15. Mindless Violence

**A/N:** The scary builders are still here…and worse, they're half naked due to the heat…I'm scarred for life…too much flab! Anyway, we're not here to talk about my mental health problems, mainly because we don't have time but also because I think you'd all like to know what's going to happen to Lister…it's not pretty. I've threatened mindless violence, but no matter how graphic and painfully painful I make this chapter…it will not match up to anything to Reddwarfaddict writes, she is the Princess of Pain, the Sister of Soreness! The Mistress of manglement (if that's even a word) In short, she rocks!

Here is my feeble attempts at inflicting pain on Lister, hope you enjoy. I watched my Bottom: 25 years of mindless violence DVD to get me in the mood for writing. If you've got a fairly strong stomach I suggest you watch it, if not you might not be thrilled at seeing Richie (played by the hilarious Rik Mayall) pierce his eye with a hilariously and precariously placed pointy tent pole…it might not be your cup of tea, I however can't get enough of it. It's comedies like Bottom and the Young Ones that have changed me into a ruthless, sadistic, unpredictably violent destruction machine (punches computer before setting it alight and jumping on it's ashes)…. but meh, whatcha gonna do? You are who you are!

Sunny

XXXX

Enjoy

Ohh and I'd just like to say, I really like Rimmer in this chapter, I've managed to give him some funny lines.

Again, my A/N has grown to become a mini novel…bad Sunrise!

Also, BIG BIG thanks to smegginitlarge and Raging Tree Trunk, for their constant help and support.

* * *

Lister could tell you the exact moment when he suddenly realized this wasn't one of his better ideas.

It was straight after saying he'd fight Geoffrey for Toni.

He found himself dragged along into a chamber, the other G.E.L.F's encircled Lister and Geoffrey, cheering and whooping at the prospect of some violence.

Geoffrey made a big show about undressing in preparation for the fight; he slowly unbuttoned the shirt of his uniform, revealing a six-pack Peter Andre would die for, and slid it down his muscular arms, before throwing to forcefully to one side.

"Has he ever considered a career as a male striptease?" Rimmer muttered to Kryten, as the G.E.L.F flexed his muscles "He'd make a small fortune on Hen nights!"

"I don't think you understand the severity of the situation, sir," replied Kryten, his worry chip whirring away at a vigorous speed, "oh, Mr Lister why must you do this?"

"I don't know what you two guys are fretting about," said the Cat "he'll be fine, how many bar room brawls has he won? If he could remember them, loads no doubt!"

"Yes" snapped Rimmer "but that's a bar room brawl, it's hardly a strenuous task to lay someone out is it? All you do is swing your arms about" he whirled his long arms about in the air like some lopsided windmill "and you've got an 80 per cent chance of hitting them…most of people involved in bar room brawls are semi unconscious anyway…" Rimmer looked across to Geoffrey, who was rolling back his enormous shoulders and limbering up.

Lister was stood at the edge of the ring, shaking from head to toe. Kryten gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder "It's not to late to say 'no' sir, and we can leave and we'll never mention this whole episode ever again…"

"Speak for yourself!" muttered Rimmer

Lister managed to shake his head "No.. I've…I've gotta do this" he didn't sound so certain though.

"Listy" said Rimmer quietly "It's not easy for me to say this but…you're going to get absolutely thrashed…have you wrote out your last will and testament or shall I make a note of it now?"

"Smeg off!" snapped Lister, before he added, "Have you got a pen?" before Rimmer could answer, Geoffrey's voice rang across the chamber "Not bailing out are we, _human_?" he asked, striding into the centre of the ring.

"No" laughed Lister "I'm game", he pulled his jacket off and handed it to Kryten, "wish me luck," he muttered under his breath,

"Good luck, Mr Lister" said the mechanoid as his worry chip kicked into overdrive.

Geoffrey was mildly surprised when Lister didn't chicken out of the fight. He cracked his knuckles (that were the size of apples) and sneered, "Are you ready for pain?"

Lister resisted the urge to laugh; this guy really took macho to the extreme. Glaring back at the G.E.L.F he got into the fighting stance, and held up his fists.

"Lister" shouted Rimmer "One last thing, what d'you want written on your tombstone?"

Lister turned to give Rimmer a mouthful but he was sent hurtling backwards by a blow to the side of this face. It was so powerful he stumbled backwards a few feet before falling straight through Rimmer and landing, rather painfully, on the floor.

"Ow" was all he could manage at that current moment in time.

"Mr Lister" fussed Kryten, helping him up "Are you okay?"

"I'm Fine" he hissed, holding a hand to his aching face "He just…caught me by surprise that's all!"

"Sounds more like a shock to me, Listy!" grinned Rimmer,

"You" replied Lister; pointing at him "Shut up or you're going to get me killed…" he walked back into the ring

"I'm pretty sure you can do that on your own!" Rimmer called after him,

Geoffrey smiled at him coldly "Are we going to fight…or are you going to carry on arguing with your girlfriend?" he asked, looking directly at Rimmer

"He's not my girlfriend" replied Lister harshly, gagging at the very thought

"I second that!" piped up Rimmer "C'mon, I have standards for Gods sake!"

Geoffrey ignored the holograms angry cries "I'll go easy on you" he said, "you can throw the next punch…" he threw his arms wide and stuck out his chest

Lister hesistated, wondering if this was some kind of trap, before bunching his hands up into fists, and ramming one into Geoffrey's washboard stomach. A scream tore it' self from his throat as pain wormed it's way through his hand.

He began laughing in dumb amazement, shaking his hand to try to get some life back into it "what are you, lead lined or something?" Lister asked, as he nursed his hand. He was sure he'd broken at least 2 fingers.

"That's it, Listy!" shouted Rimmer sarcastically "You give it to him!"

"Will you smeg off!" Lister hollered back He then held up his fists with grim determination. Geoffrey began laughing, before he dealt a neat jab, hitting Lister right between the eyes.

He swayed on the spot for a brief second before giving an idiotic grin and sinking to the floor, where he stayed still. The reason for that being was that he was temporarily unconscious.

Kryten grimaced "Oh poor Mr Lister!" he sobbed,

"Don't worry," reassured the Cat, patting him on the shoulder "I'm pretty sure that was tactical manoeuvre!"

"Well you're pretty wrong," sneered Rimmer "He's been knocked unconscious 3 minutes into a fight…lasted a lot longer then I expected him to!"

Lister groaned and struggled to open his eyes. For a second or two he forgot where he was. The only thing he was certain of was that he was in pain. His face ached, and he had double vision…and his double vision had it's own double vision!

He looked up to see Geoffrey glaring down at him, and a sudden rush of memories a clouded Lister's senses.

He was in a fight.

A fight to get Toni back.

Lister brushed some dust off his shirt and stood up, wobbling slightly. He clenched his fists for the third time, promising to himself that he was going to knock this guys block off…if his own wasn't knocked off first.

He decided that he was no longer going to be 'Mr Nice guy'; he shot Geoffrey his best intimidating glare before pointing behind the G.E.L.F "oh my GOD! Look at that!"

Sure enough Geoffrey turned round, giving Lister the chance he'd been waiting for. He threw all of his weight against the G.E.L.F's torso and knocked him to the floor. Because he hadn't been expecting Lister to pull a stunt like this, Geoffrey was shocked and if not a little embarrassed.

He went to sit up but Lister threw himself on top of him, pinning him to the floor.

"What on Io is he doing now!" squealed Rimmer "Lister, you're meant to be hurting him not giving him a smeggin' cuddle!"

Lister wasn't cuddling Geoffrey, far from it. He knelt on the G.E.L.F's chest and punched him as hard as he could, pouring every ounce of strength into his swing. To his horror, Geoffrey didn't even flinch "is that the best you've got?" he teased.

Lister made to run off but he was grabbed by the shirt and drew close to Geoffrey. Despite panic racing round his brain and roaring in his ears, Lister thought 'I hope he's not gonna kiss me'.

He didn't.

Thankfully.

Instead he head butted Lister before hurling him over his shoulder with very little difficulty.

The other Dwarfers winced, "Ouch" cringed Rimmer "I felt that…well actually I didn't because he felt it but-"

"Mr Rimmer, sir" interrupted Kryten "I think now is a most suitable time for me to tell you to 'shut the hell up'!"

Lister groaned and touched the bumps that had formed on his forehead. He could hear Geoffrey stomping towards him, but he couldn't be bothered to roll out of the way.

He screamed as the G.E.L.F delivered a vicious kick to his ribcage, and whimpered as the hot, searing pain spread through his body.

Geoffrey knelt close to Lister's form, he let his eyes wander across his work and a sick smile crossed his lips. "You can give up any time you want" he said, "Just say the word and you can leave…"

"Get stuffed" spat Lister,

The G.E.L.F growled angrily and thumped Lister hard in the stomach, making him double up in pain. This however wasn't enough for Geoffrey, who promptly stood up and dealt another powerful kick to Lister's torso.

The pain was becoming so intense that Lister prayed that he could fall into the blissful comfort of unconsciousness so he could avoid it.

But he didn't.

He suddenly noticed the lack of floor beneath him, his eyes snapped open and he gave a fearful sob as he realised Geoffrey was holding him high above his head.

Some 8 feet up in the air.

What made Lister even more fearful was how he would get down. He had an idea it was going to be quick, but anything but comfortable.

He closed his eyes as the G.E.L.F flung him far across the room where he landed head first on the cold metal floor,

Toni had managed to sidle up to Kryten's side without being seen "Stop him" she begged, "He'll be killed!"

"I'm afraid I can't, ma'am…this is Mr Lister's idea and he is determined to see it through to the end!"

Toni chewed her nails anxiously, wondering if the end involved Lister being in a coffin.

Lister wanted to die. There hadn't been many situations in his life when he'd have welcomed death. But this one was different.

He wasn't Dave Lister anymore, he was just pain.

He was made up entirely of pain. He was a walking, talking specimen of pain.

Every part of his body hurt, he ached in places he didn't know he had, but still he struggled to his feet, determined to carry on.

"You're made of tougher stuff then I thought, human!" laughed Geoffrey, striding towards him "I admire your courage…but it won't save you now!"

Lister stumbled forward and tried to punch Geoffrey. It was made difficult however by his wobbly vision, all he could do was try his best and hoped he aimed his punch at the real G.E.L.F and not the double vision ones.

His punch threw him off balance and he staggered sideways, missing Geoffrey by several feet.

The G.E.L.F threw another formidable punch hitting Lister just under his jaw. He spat a mixture of blood and salvia onto the floor and shuddered as something glistened back at him.

"It's okay," slurred Lister through a mixture of pain and concussion "I didn't much like that tooth!"

Geoffrey ignored his comment and simply rammed his clenched fist into Lister chest, crushing his lungs in the process.

He stood and choked for breath for a few minutes before he managed to wheeze "and I weren't particularly fond of that lung either…" he just had time to close his eyes as Geoffrey's fist came hurtling towards him.

The force of the hit damn near finished Lister off, he fell back the floor. He just about managed to roll onto his stomach before crying out in pain. He gritted his teeth and dragged himself forwards, one hand firmly clammed to his aching side.

He was giving up.

The G.E.L.F sneered in distaste and put a halt to Lister's escape by standing on his back and crushing him into the floor, "Not leaving are you?" he mocked, leaning heavily on Lister.

Upon receiving no reply, he pressed down as hard as he could. Lister could feel his lungs being crushed, every breath was being squeezed out of his body and he'd gone light-headed with the excruciating pain.

"Speak human" spat Geoffrey "Why put yourself through this?" he lifted his foot slightly so Lister could speak "Why allow yourself to be hurt so badly for a woman?"

Lister looked across at Toni, and momentarily forgot the pain. All this had been for her, all the pain, all the humiliation, and all the torment.

She meant that much to him.

"Why did you come here to fight for her?" asked Geoffrey "answer me!" he yelled

"Because I love her!" Lister managed to yell back, his breathing had become laboured, every breath he took sent fresh waves of pain through his body.

Geoffrey was startled into a silence. A death-like hush fell over the crowd of the G.E.L.F's; even the Dwarfers exchanged confused looks.

"I love her" said Lister in a quiet voice "She means the world to me…I can't bear the thought of losin' her, so please…I'm beggin' you, let her come back with me…let her be happy…."

Geoffrey frowned "She is to stay here" he said coldly

Lister gave a racking cough, causing him to wince before he said, "Please man…she wants to stay with me."

"You lost the fight" yelled the G.E.L.F "We had a deal and you lost. She stays here"

Not satisfied with the final verdict, Lister pulled himself onto his side "You're just one big control freak aren't you? You always have to be bossin' someone about, throwin' you're weight around…and lets face it you've a hell of a lot of it to throw!" he paused and bit his lip to stifle a scream, he looked directly into Geoffrey's cold eyes "You just can't bear the thought of someone bein' happy…with me she had a life, she had a future…she wasn't a name and number any more, she was a person!"

"Stop your whining, human" snarled the G.E.L.F, he was getting angry "she doesn't love you!"

"She does and I love her back!"

"You can't love her" screamed the G.E.L.F "because I love her!"

Cat, Kryten and Rimmer all looked towards Toni, who shrugged. Clearly she knew as much about this as they did.

"She's not coming with you because she's staying here, she's staying here with me!"

Lister mustered the strength to laugh and shake his head, "she'll be the judge of that"

"She will do what I tell her" yelled the G.E.L.F, his anger was rising, it bubbled and spat like a frying pan full of oil. By the look on Toni's face he could tell that she wanted to go back with the human.

Why would she want him?

It didn't make sense, he was different. By G.E.L.F standards he was a freak, not worthy of her affections.

Yet still he received them.

He let out an angry scream before kicking Lister in the chest, sending him flying backwards, where he was engulfed in the cold, lonely darkness of unconsciousness.


	16. A dream ending

**A/N:** Final chapter (sob) but fear not…there may be a sequel if I can: be bothered/find time/ or if no better ideas come along…oh and the whole 'table and chairs' bit (all will become clear) is a dream I had one night after taking some cough medicine, I had hallucinations and woke up shouting and screaming (takes a swig from cough medicine bottle)…I've never been the same since.

**Smegginitlarge: **I was a picky person I'd say " :O " isn't technically a review, but I don't care…oddly enough it told me everything I needed to know about what you thought of this chapter…I think…thanks!

**Reddwarfaddict**: (Jedi bows to master) Glad you liked the Rimmer comments. Loving Quarantine 3 by the way!

**Zombie Kitty:** Yes, I am evil to Lister…but meh, it makes good reading. Smegginitlarge came up with Geoffrey declaring his love thing, it was slightly creepy and it reminded me a soap opera. I doubt he will get over it…. may we all laugh at his harsh fact.

**boogle:** I agree, Rimmer does have some good lines in the last chappie. 'Hop to it'…you demanding little scamp…but I don't care, (hops to it) thank you!

**Basketweaverjesser:** Thank you for your lovely review…it most probably did hurt…a lot…oh well.

**Jumana:** To be honest, the other Dwarfers might have helped…had they not been so incredibly scared of the Geoffrey…I'm glad you thought Rimmer was funny.

**cazflibs:** Thanks for your review, I'm really happy you thought the chapter was funny, I'm always worried people won't find my writing funny so I'm relieved when they say it is funny…how many times did I use the word 'funny' in that sentence? Oh and as for Lister getting the G.E.L.F…. read on :D!

**Giver-of-Hope: **Kill Lister? Hmmmm...nah, I've nearly killed him (Til it's gone) but I don't think I could be that cruel.

Thank you all so much, I'm glad you've all taken the time to review, it's much appreciated! Also I think a big thank you needs to go out to Liz and Sian, cos they've helped me so much with this story, they're great! Take a bow girls!

And now…will Toni and Lister be together…or is she doomed to a tedious existence with Geoffrey (sheesh, now _that's_ torture)

* * *

It had started off as a fairly promising dream. 

He'd been sat on his bunk, the sound of Rastabilly-Skank filled the air and best of all Rimmer was no-where in sight.

Then things got weird.

The grey walls melted away and he found himself in a large open field. To his left lay a waterfall, ice cold Leopard larger gushed into a pool below, complete with diving board and rubber ring.

And still no Rimmer!

He raised his eyes upward, individual trays of curry fluttered about in mid-air. Thousands of them, in every flavour like some giant anti-gravity take away.

Just then, Lister noticed six or seven scantily clad women approaching him, carrying between them what appeared to be an extremely large Moses basket big enough for three or four men to lie in comfortably.

A busty red head with hair flowing down to her hips held out a hand to Lister, "Noble knight, we have been searching for a man for 28 moons now. Our colony is lonely, being made up of entirely of women" she pouted and batted her long eyelashes seductively "Sire, we beg of you to accompany us back to the colony in hopes that you may spread your seed among all the 364 women in our village."

Lister cocked an eyebrow, to which the red head smirked before leaning in close to his ear "In short, we're all desperate for a shag"

He nodded coolly, trying not to seem eager although finding himself rather excited at the idea already.

'What is this place?' Lister thought, but not too hard as he was led away by the giggling tribe of women 'beer, curry, no Rimmer, half naked women who want me really badly…must be heaven!'

He shrugged, decided to just sit back and enjoy it.

The idyllic atmosphere was abruptly ruined when something heavy dropped onto Lister's toe. Cursing and hopping about, he looked downwards.

On the grass sat a squat wooden coffee table, Lister frowned "where the smeg did that come from?" he asked the other women.

But they'd gone.

All of them had vanished.

In their place were tables and chairs of various sizes, colours, and designs…

"Where's all these smeggin' tables and chairs come from?" Lister asked the thin air.

He couldn't find any plausible explanation so walked off…or he intended too.

Before he could move very far something slammed into the back of his head, knocking him to the floor.

"What the?" he turned over and looked upwards "smeg" he managed to murmur.

Hovering about two meters above the ground was the same coffee table that had fallen on his toe.

Lister knew he wasn't very clever but he was certain that flying furniture wasn't normal. He tired to calmly crawl away but the table flew after him, knocking into him.

He tried batting it away but it was useless. So he struggled to his feet and ran.

After twenty or so metres he plucked up the courage to turn around.

He wished he hadn't.

Chasing him were hundreds of chairs and tables, they were swarming after him like a hive of angry bees. You could practically hear the angry buzzing.

Lister couldn't run very fast for very long, and it was hard to tell if he was slowing or if the furniture was gaining.

He inhaled sharply and stopped dead in his tracks. He'd reached a deep gorge. Probably miles deep and hundreds of meters wide. There was no way he could cross it, he was cornered!

The chairs and tables floated eerily as if they were watching him, waiting to see what he'd do.

Seeing that he was defenceless they soared towards him at an alarming speed, he shielded his face as they bashed into him, hitting his with legs, arms, backrests etc. He stumbled blindly backwards and noticed too late he'd run out of ground.

He fell backwards into the deep chasm, arms flailing.

Screaming at the top of his lungs, he plummeted towards the floor.

Lister sat bolt upright, breathing heavily, a fine layer of sweat on his forehead. His eyes quickly rolled about the room.

He was in the medi-bay.

"Mr Lister" fussed Kryten, "You're awake!"

"Tables…" was all he could say "don't like tables…hurt…knocked me off a cliff…no, don't like chairs either…hurty…"

Rimmer smiled "Amazing, he's had his head beaten in and it hasn't affected him in the slightest!"

Kryten chose to ignore that comment and tended to Lister, who'd managed to calm down. "How are you feeling, sir" asked the mechanoid

"I'm still trying to find a bit of me that _doesn't_ hurt" he said, slowly lying back down the on medi-bed.

It was then that he noticed his shirt was undone, his stomach was a colourful array of busies: black, purple, deep yellow, even greeny-blue. He winced and closed his eyes.

"I must say, Listy" said Rimmer, walking towards him "You've got guts I'll tell you that…although they are now minced up and pummelled into something that resembles Georges Best's liver that's been left in the road and repeatedly run over …but you've got 'em and that's the main thing!"

"Thanks, Rimmer" said Lister "From you, that's the best compliment I'm gonna get"

"And that's what made it so hard for me to bet on the other guy winning!"

"What!" cried Lister, trying to sit up but being held down by Kryten "You bet on the G.E.L.F instead of me!"

"Of course" replied Rimmer, backing away slightly "It was a sound investment!"

"I don't believe you Rimmer" said Lister, clutching his aching ribs "I'm lying here…half dead and you go and tell me you bet on the other bloke…what is wrong with you man?"

"God, it's always about you isn't it, Listy." sneered Rimmer "Yes, you may have been beaten to within an inch of your life. Yes you may have been humiliated, punched, kicked, thrown, insulted and God knows what else…but what about me eh? How'd you think I feel?"

"What d'you mean 'how you feel'?" said Lister, not sure what the hologram was waffling on about

"We left before I could pick up my winnings…" said Rimmer, a hint of sadness in his voice "I don't even get a chance to grab my cash because Kryten, good old, ever so helpful, don't know what we'd do without him _Kryten_, made us all leave immediately because he was worried about you suffering from brain damage" he stopped to glare at the mechanoid "and when I quip 'what brains?' he says I'm being childish, uncaring and down right dishonourable!"

"Well you were!" retorted the mechanoid "I understand what a petty, small minded, melodramatic, neurotic individual you are…but you took that persona to whole new heights!"

"I only said 'what brains'," said Rimmer "I was trying to lighten the mood, inject a little humour into the situation…. what's so wrong with that?"

"Buddy, even _I_ knew that wasn't the time to crack jokes…me for smeg sake!" replied the Cat, shaking his head(but not too vigorously, he couldn't risk spoiling his perfect hair)"you looked pretty beat up, man." he said to Lister,

"I felt it…well, til I blacked out…quite grateful for that actually…" he paused to grimace as Kryten rubbed some TCP onto his bruised stomach "what happened afterwards?"

"Nothing much" shrugged the Cat "Rimmer treated us to his 'roadrunner' act complete with girly screaming…"

Rimmer pulled a face "I wasn't screaming…I had something stuck in my throat, I was coughing!"

Lister forced a laugh, even though it made him want to double up in pain "Rimmer, one of these days you'll choke to death on your own cowardice!"

"No I won't" sneered the hologram "Because I'm dead!"

"Wow" said Lister sarcastically "there's a topic of conversation we've never heard before…"

"Very funny" sniffed Rimmer, crossing his arms

"I do try" smiled Lister

"Hey" said the Cat, waving his arms about "Attention has been diverted from me…that's bad…you wanted to know what happened after you conked out?"

"Yeah"

"Well…" smiled the Cat "we decided to make a hasty exit too so we all ran and flew off in Starbug…leaving the G.E.L.F's behind, boy were they mad!"

That was when Lister remembered; he'd lost Toni.

"She had to stay with the G.E.L.Fs didn't she" said Lister quietly "I lost…"

If he had opened his eyes he would have seen Cat, Kryten and even Rimmer stood smiling rather smugly, like they knew something he didn't.

"That reminds us, sir" said Kryten "we've got a little something to cheer you up" he and the Cat walked round the medi-bed towards the examination screen

"Don't bother" said Lister sullenly "nothing is gonna cheer me up"

"Don't be so sure, Listy" smirked Rimmer "I think this will!"

"Fine" said Lister, propping himself up on his elbows "what is it!"

Cat and Kryten pulled away the examination screen shouting "Ta-da!"

Lister jaw dropped.

Stood behind the screen was Toni, beaming at him.

"You've got to be smeggin' me!" said Lister, staring at Toni half expecting her to disappear,

"Nope" said the Cat, flashing a toothy grin.

Toni raced over and wrapped her arms around Lister, who at first returned the hug before involuntary crying out.

"I'm sorry," she gabbled, letting him go "I…I didn't mean to! I'm sorry"

"It's okay" reassured Lister "just don't squeeze too hard…"

Toni jumped back, as if Lister was made from tissue paper and would crumple beneath her fingers

Lister was slightly disappointed that she jumped back, he knew it was just because she cared but it still hurt that she'd leapt back like that, like she found him repulsive or something.

Something must have registered on his face because Toni ran a finger down his jaw and spoke worriedly, "What's the matter?"

"Nothing" he reassured, "just a bit shocked that's all…." He turned his head towards the others and glared "I just wish someone would have told me straight away rather then letting me believe I'd lost you!"

"Oh don't be grateful will you, Lister!" snapped Rimmer, but he was ignored.

"That doesn't matter now, I'm here and I'm staying" said Toni, kissing Lister gently on the lips.

Well, they were off then. The excruciating pain was forgotten as Lister and Toni kissed, getting more and more passionate as they went.

Lister felt like he was being watched. His assumption was correct. Kryten, Cat and Rimmer were watching them,

"D'you mind?" said Lister, hoping they'd take the hint and leave.

"No, we don't mind, carry on..." said the Cat

"Get out!" said Lister, inclining his head to the door. The other Dwarfers left, Cat grumbling something about 'a lucky smegger'.

"Now" he said, smiling at Toni suggestively "where were we?"

"Kissing" said Toni with an impish grin, as leant forwards and brushed her lips against his.

It wasn't long before the pair was wrapped in each other's arms, locked in a passionate embrace.

The last human and his G.E.L.F girlfriend.

The End

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Big thank you to anyone who reviewed. If you've just been reading this story and not reviewing, please do now. It would be greatly appreciated and I'd love you for it! Thanks. 


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